Martina Hingis And Her Mom Attacked A Guy With A DVD Player, Might Send Russian Assassins After Him

In the mid-90s, Martina Hingis was my dream girl. She was great at tennis, becoming the youngest Grand Slam champion of all time at age 15. She was my age, too, and her tennis outfits always either did one fantastic thing or another. She’s as responsible for my march through puberty and love of fringe sports as anyone in the world.

That said, some of God’s greatest gifts are unanswered prayers. Hingis, now 32, is making difficult-to-translate news by teaming up with her mother to attack her husband and bash him over the head with a DVD player. Oh, cool.

The translation effort, courtesy of our friends at Guyism:

“On Monday evening, I was in our shared apartment when the doorbell rang. In the course of a dispute to Martina and her mother Melanie Molitor pounced on me, beat me and scratched. My upbringing forbids me to beat women. I resisted every effort, as suggested to me Mario Widmer, the partner of Melanie, the DVD player to the head. ”

But that’s not enough. When [husband Thibault] Hutin neck plunges over head out of the house, he finds that his passport and his credit cards are gone. Straightway he went to the police in Pfäffikon. “The policemen went with me back to the apartment and forced the three to surrender my valuables.” (via Guyism)

Wait, she stole his shit, too? Am I reading that correctly? Also, is “Pfäffikon” a place, or were they at a Dutch police convention?

According to reports, Martina had been a pretty crummy wife before this incident, cheating on her husband multiple times. All I can say is that I’m glad the guy had a DVD player and wasn’t trying to watch blu-rays on one of those old, backwards-compatible PS3s, because Jesus, that would’ve crushed his skull.

To make matters worse, Hutin announced that Russians were going to arrive and cut off his head. I don’t know, I’m going by the bad Internet translation.

Then Hutins increased voice. “Last time I did receive an SMS with a threat to send me Russians on the neck. I do not like more white. “

I know a lot of people who increase voice when there is more white.

Anyway, I hope things work out for these crazy kids, or that they don’t and Martina pilots a time machine back to 1995, picks up her old teen self, then flies to rural Virginia so a nice, easy-to-understand guy could treat her with love and respect and take her away from the crazy, morally-questionable world of tennis. Or so she can crush his face with a VCR, either/or. I will take a Russian neck-stabbing to be with her, I don’t even care.