ESPN Radio host Mike Greenberg revealed on Tuesday morning that he has a very strange quirk with his eating habits. He eats everything with a knife and fork.
If you think this is insane, you are in the majority. That is terrifying behavior and the correct responses are befuddlement and to question what is wrong with Greenberg. ESPN college hoops analyst Jay Williams was stunned at this revelation while on Mike & Mike, and had many questions for Greenberg, while co-host Mike Golic shook his head in shame.
Williams couldn’t believe it. (“Sandwiches?!”) But the real stunner came when Golic informed Williams that Greenberg even eats chicken wings with a knife and fork.
“Stop it,” Williams said as he recoiled. “Noooo! You don’t just pick it up with your hand and dip it?!”
Greenberg tried to explain that he doesn’t like getting sauce on his fingers because it makes him smell like buffalo sauce for the rest of the day, which some would say is a blessing rather than something to avoid. Williams plead with Greenberg to just use a hand wipe to get in the fingernails, but Greeny insisted it didn’t work.
This video has me feeling very uneasy about the world. This is like when George Costanza started eating Snickers with a knife and fork, but way worse. I tried to think of the foods that would make me most upset to see someone eat with a knife and fork, and came up with these five options.
1. Chicken Wings: This has my blood boiling. There is no way to properly clean a chicken wing with a knife and fork. You’re leaving meat on that bone by doing this and it’s unacceptable. I hope Greeny never tries to eat wings around me because it’s going to make me irrationally angry.
2. Ribs: Again, the only way to clean a rib is by eating it with your hands. Accept the fact that you’re going to get some BBQ sauce (or just rib juices) on your fingertips and eat them the way good lord intended when we were blessed with delicious pigs and cows.
3. Tacos/Burritos: The entire point of the taco/burrito is that it’s created to be held in your hand. You might have to pick at things that fall out onto the plate with a fork afterwards, but not the taco or burrito itself.
4. Burgers/Sandwiches: Greeny admitted to this one and it is upsetting me almost as much as the chicken wings. It’s one thing to cut a burger into pieces and eat those smaller pieces by hand, but I don’t understand how you can get all the elements of the burger into one bite with a fork and knife. And can you imagine seeing someone try to eat a po’ boy with utensils?
5. Pizza: I’ve seen this before, but it still doesn’t make me any less uneasy about it. A regular slice of pizza (not that Chicago-style crap) should be eaten with your hands, I don’t care about grease or cheese or whatever, pick it up.