The New England Patriots celebrated the biggest choke in NFL history with a parade through the streets of Boston on Tuesday. Or maybe they were celebrating winning Super Bowl LI. Both things can be true but we all know it’s way more the first thing than the second thing.
Most parades are the same — drunk dudes skipping work in the middle of the week to drink beer on the streets of a city that will look like the floor of a fraternity after a Saturday night when it’s over. Players will make awkward speeches. Fans climb on stuff and hold signs. It’s great for everyone that’s a fan of the team that won or benefited from the most colossal pants-crapping sports history but not for the rest of us.
But with the revenge factor/persecution complex involved with Patriots fans, we were treated to some especially wondrous sights on this day.
Let’s get to the best thing first.
That references Roger Goodell, the commissioner of the NFL, who had the audacity to suspend a cheater for cheating. Whether it’s the angle of the photo or if someone added to this art later, there’s more to it.
That’s right. Someone drew a giant dick in the snow. And not just a giant dick — a giant upside-down dick. An upside-down flag is a universal signal of distress and the upside-down dick is no different. So hopefully the person that was having penis distress during the parade was rescued.
We are not done with penis-related parade content.
Let’s unpack this, because it requires unpacking. This is not one sign that features a penis going into the Goodell’s face; it’s two separate signs — one of a penis and one of Goodell’s face. That means, I think, two people went to the parade together holding two signs — one of a penis and one of Goodell’s face. I’d love to have heard the conversation in the morning as they went to the parade.
“What are you doing?
“I’m carrying the Goodell face. You’re carrying the penis sign.”
“I don’t want to walk around holding a giant penis on a stick.”
“Well I don’t want to hold it.”
“How about this: Constantly move the penis into Goodell’s face so people get it.”
“Awesome! Otherwise people would think we were weirdos!”
Or, there was a lone guy walking around with a penis sign that he rubbed into other signs. That’s the more disturbing option and I choose not to believe it.
Then there’s this kid.
Fifteen years old, millions of people hate you.
Rob Gronkowski didn’t play in the Super Bowl but you could be sure he would fully participate in the parade.
Look at this snag!
And remember: He did it for the fans.
Here’s a collection of mediocre/weird signs. What’s with the shot at Mia Khalifa? She’s not a Falcons fan. She’s not the only person to have done porn or performed a sex act that could lead to a gagging sound. It’s an odd attack. It also insinuates she’s not good at the sex act that’s being alluded to, and there are many videos that suggest otherwise. Or so I heard. From a friend.
Same goes for Ryan Tannehill. What did he ever do to you? You ain’t got nothing to say about Eli Manning though, do you? Undefeated in Super Bowls vs. the Patriots, baby!
Then the team got on stage at City Hall and spoke to the crowd. It did not take long for Bill Belichick to get political.
“No days off!” As if the American worker isn’t getting screwed enough these days, the Patriots coach is endorsing a seven-day work week. He’s also endorsing it in front of thousands of people that took the day off work to hear this chant. I believe that’s irony but I’m never sure.
But all that mattered, all we wanted, was Gronk laughing at someone shouting “69!” during the festivities.
Thankfully, the fans were sent home feeling nice.