O.J. Simpson Finds the Real Killer

O.J. Simpson has just confessed to the murder of Nicole Brown Simpson and Ron Goldman. To quote our own Burnsy, “I’m so shocked that I can’t even make a fart noise.” In the never-before-seen alternate ending to 1995, Simpson confessed to a producer for Oprah Winfrey and is going to re-confess to Oprah herself in a televised interview. Are they going to tape it from inside of Al Capone’s vault? How did I get here? This is not my beautiful dead wife.

This is a huge story for anybody who lived through the American ’90s, although the breaking NESN report on the situation contains one little line that might ruin it all:

Several news outlets are citing the National Enquirer with breaking the news.

This is the same source that told me Satan’s face was in the 9/11 smoke, so I’m not going to get too excited about it until O.J. is in LeBron’s Decision Chair, sobbing to Oprah about how sorry he is for dimming the star of Ron Goldman, holding his face in his hands while wearing some ill-fitting Isotoners. Oh, and I forgot the best part.

Simpson claimed he stabbed Nicole in self-defense.

There you have it, everybody. O.J. did it, but only after his battered ex-wife tried to kill him first, in her own home, while technically still on a date with somebody else. Somewhere up in Heaven, Johnnie Cochran is flipping the hell out and flipping over tables.

Edit: Aaaaaaand we’re fake! A report from The Hollywood Reporter (about Hollywood) says the Enquirer name drop is bogus, and the best we can hope for now is one of those Blake Lively “we wanted to show you her boobs by accident, but not this soon” situations.

Despite a National Enquirer report that Simpson confessed from prison to murdering ex wife Nicole Brown Simpson and Ron Goldman, a rep for Harpo tells The Hollywood Reporter, “That’s not true.”

Maybe O.J. is twittering from prison and will read all of this, and do the right thing (for money).