Report: Bin Laden Captured Thanks to Hustle, Loyalty, Respect

05.02.11 7 years ago 10 Comments

In what some are calling the most American video ever imagined, pro wrestler and unstoppable WASPy goofball John Cena wins the WWE Championship in a steel cage match, then gets on the microphone and announces the capture and death of Osama Bin Laden to an arena full of hooting wrestling fans. The best part is watching wrestling fans react to a culturally significant moment in our national history in the same way they would’ve if Cena had been suddenly interrupted by the Ultimate Warrior. WHAT? WHAT? HOLY SH** HOLY SH**

As a wrestling fan, I find it thematically appropriate that Cena got to announce the capture of a guy we spent ten years not being able to see. I do kinda wish the Miz had retained the championship, just to see him standing on the table, doing that lean-forward semi-whisper about how EVEN OSAMA BIN LADEN DOUBTED HIM but now Osama is dead and the Miz is STILL THE W. W. E. CHAMPION.

I spent a few minutes trying to come up with jokes about how this video could be more rurally American, and outside of a monster truck entrance (possibly on the roof) and Cena handing out hot dogs, I came up short. Maybe tonight’s Raw will open with Vince McMahon triumphantly announcing that he’s captured and killed the guy behind GTV.

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