The Dugout: An Entire Big Thing Of Dope

The key words here are “and other devices”.

Houston Astros’ outfielder Jordan Schafer has been arrested in Florida and charged with felony possession of marijuana.

According to an arrest report from the Hillsborough County Sheriff’s office, Schafer was arrested early Tuesday morning in Tampa after a traffic stop and was released on a $2,000 cash bond. It wasn’t clear if he had an attorney.

A police report says that black Land Rover driven by Schafer with its windows open pulled up next to a police car. Police say officers noticed a strong marijuana smell and saw Schafer smoking a marijuana cigarette.

Baseball players are doing drugs! Here at The Dugout we try to approach each breaking news bit about pro athlete substance abuse with dignity and respect, especially if we’ve never heard of the player, and pending that player not being Manny Ramirez or someone whose wife-beating bullsh*t makes us too sad for jokes. I don’t even think Jordan Schafer’s parents know who Houston Astros outfielder Jordan Schafer is, so here’s a rundown of exactly what happened when he was arrested. And yes, the part about him having weed peanut butter cups is real.

The Dugout


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Welcome to the Routine Traffic Stop Outside Of A The Cheesecake Factory Chatroom!

LadyCop: /taps on window  
ElectricShafer: uhhhhhhhh /rolls down window  

LadyCop: jesus, son, it smells like Tim Lincecum’s asshole in your car, did you piss in a bong on your way over here

ElectricShafer: naw mam  
LadyCop: I see you’re wearing a baseball cap. You play for the Braves?  
ElectricShafer: naw mam naw I do not at i just bought this hat because it match my shirt  
LadyCop: okay, good, because I don’t have great luck with baseball players  
ElectricShafer: i play for the houston astros  
LadyCop: What is that  
ElectricShafer: the uh, it’s a baseball team  

LadyCop: lol yeah right, what kinda seventies ass baseball squad named after damn outer space

licence and registr-

LadyCop: /glares  
ElectricShafer: /smokes dope  
LadyCop: you know I can see you, right  
ElectricShafer: aw shiit i forgot how eyes work /hastily tries to put it out by sucking cold end as hard as possible  

LadyCop: ugh, give it to me /takes marijuana cigarette

now, license and-

ElectricShafer: /eyes peanut butter cups in passengers seat  
LadyCop: i swear to the god I will pull out my night stick and cop your ass half to death through this window if you move  
ElectricShafer: ok sorry mam i just need to eat some snacks to relax  
ElectricShafer: glahhhhh /eats peanut butter cups  
LadyCop: they had weed in them, didn’t they  
ElectricShafer: i’m sorry officer i admit it, i am a doer of dope, i do dope  
ElectricShafer: i do it all the time, its so good  
LadyCop: I’ve heard of weed brownies, but weed peanut butter cups? Aren’t you getting like, weirdly specific?  
ElectricShafer: i got a plastic bag full of sh*t i made with dope in the back of the rover, look, dope peanut butter cups, dope pb+j, coconut cake with extra dope  
ElectricShafer: i like to go to jamba juice an order a 16 strawberry whirl and take it home, dump out all the strawberry whirl, fill the cup with dope and then eat the cup  
ElectricShafer: in fact i credit dope cup as one of the only reasons i’m still here living today, you know  
ElectricShafer: because "bullies"  
LadyCop: yeah I’ve shot you like three times already and you haven’t noticed  
LadyCop: You been drinking tonight?  
ElectricShafer: yes mam but only one beer  
LadyCop: how big was the one beer  
ElectricShafer: normal size but i emptied ilke six pixie stix in it injected the can with hgh, rubbed the outside with the clear an then shook that shti up  
LadyCop: let me guess, you got a funny name for that  
ElectricShafer: no but it is extremely hard to hold an now my brain is bloody  
LadyCop: ok, well, you admitted to drug use and possession but since you’re a white male all I can do is say "stop it" once, in a quiet voice  
LadyCop: stop it  
ElectricShafer: still pretty loud, honestly  
LadyCop: what are you doing with your life exactly though, I gotta ask  
ElectricShafer: i’m in the midst of a josh hamilton thing, where i do a bunch of drugs an f**k up my baseball career an then  
ElectricShafer: an then i don’t remember, but i do it  
ElectricShafer: /beer bongs an entire big thing of dope  
LadyCop: oh man if you were black right now  
LadyCop: Anyway, you’re free to go, have fun playing for the Houston Astros.  
ElectricShafer: uhhh on second thought could you take me to jail  
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