The Dugout Opening Days '12: Los Angeles Angels Of Anaheim

No matter how many home runs Josh Hamilton hits or how many Austrian newspapers refer to him as an ex-junkie for doing so, the story of the 2012 baseball season thus far has and will continue to be the struggles of Albert Pujols.

Some call it a slump. Some call it penance for what he did to the St. Louis Cardinals. Some just enjoy typing their favorite slurs behind a hashtag. Regardless, the Los Angeles Angels Of Anaheim et al. have found themselves at the bottom of the AL West with nothing but the hope of a quick turnaround from El West Coast Hombre to save them.

Will it happen? Who knows? Today’s Dugout explores that question. It’s after e’jump.

The Dugout


** Online Host **
Welcome to the Los Angeles Angels Of Anaheim California USA Earth This Joke Is Old But Whatever Chatroom!

GreasersAndScoscia: All right, Albert, I’m gonna gently lob the ball in your direction, you hold the bat still and I’ll try to hit it. Ready?  
PujolJunkie: e’eh  
GreasersAndScoscia: /gently lobs ball  
PujolJunkie: /forgets what he’s doing

/wanders away


** Online Host **
The ball has rolled to a stop. The Texas Rangers are now up 4-0, somehow.

GreasersAndScoscia: You feelin’ okay, champ? This isn’t like you. Want me to go get the Rally Monkey?  
PujolJunkie: i will jus lay on e’groun an no bother anybody  
GreasersAndScoscia: Is this about the American League? You hit 2.000 against us in Interleague Play, it’s just the same guys! Nothing you need to worry about!  
PujolJunkie: ehhh  
GreasersAndScoscia: Is this about moving to a big market? Because the fans here love you!  
GreasersAndScoscia: and sure, they boo the hell out of you if you aren’t perfect in the first four weeks of the season and call you a bunch of homophobic racist shit on twitter but that’s how they say they love you!  
PujolJunkie: engh /turns over  
GreasersAndScoscia: c’mon, what’s wrong? You want some McDonalds?  
PujolJunkie: nyow /considers it  
PoleVaultOverTheAybar: huhhuh! /runs up, touches Albert on the elbow  
PujolJunkie: FFFUUUUUUU /throws glove like an asshole  
PujolJunkie: RAHHHHRR e’AHHH  
GreasersAndScoscia: THERE WE GO! Use that anger! Pretend Erick Aybar is a baseball and your glove that you threw like a weird kid is a baseball bat! Ready?  
PujolJunkie: /readies bat  
GreasersAndScoscia: sweet, let me find our worst pitcher  
GreasersAndScoscia: ERVIN! Throw this.  
YouGotErved: AT YOUR ERVICE! /throws horrible pitch  
PujolJunkie: /gets scared

/pisses pants

GreasersAndScoscia: okay, that might’ve been too aggressive, set it up on the tee and we’ll let him take a cut at it from there.  
YouGotErved: /tries to set ball on tee, ball rolls off into floor  
YouGotErved: /tries to set ball on tee, ball rolls off into floor  
YouGotErved: /tries to set ball on tee, ball rolls off into floor  
YouGotErved: /tries to set ball on tee, ball rolls off into floor  
YouGotErved: /tries to set ball on tee, ball rolls off into floor  
GreasersAndScoscia: this is totally worth 154 million dollars  
PoleVaultOverTheAybar: /puts thumb to nose, wiggles fingers at Albert  
PujolJunkie: RAHHH /flips over table  
GreasersAndScoscia: okay, so are we seriously going to keep doing this? this is stupid, you’re Albert Pujols, stop being stupid  
PujolJunkie: sigh, i am done  
GreasersAndScoscia: No you aren’t, you’ll even out and be fine.  
PujolJunkie: no, i mean i have e’one home run and am batting .198, i am e’adam done  
GreasersAndScoscia: shit that’s way worse  
YouGotErved: you want i should set up the tee again baws /gives up five runs  
GreasersAndScoscia: Look Albert, our entire season rests upon how many home runs you hit.  
GreasersAndScoscia: Who cares if Dan Haren sucks and Torii Hunter sucks and Vernon Wells is making 25 million dollars to hit .231 and we have to pretend C.J. Wilson is an ace because he was the only pitcher available and we were stuck in a Brewster’s Millions situation where we had to give away all of our money during the offseason or lose it forever  
GreasersAndScoscia: If people show up and you hit home runs, they won’t care if we win the World Series or not. They’ll only care about what’s important:  
GreasersAndScoscia: us getting beaten in the first round of the playoffs by a real team  
PujolJunkie: /nods  
GreasersAndScoscia: You’re the best 38-ish year old player I’ve ever seen. So, are we gonna stop slumping?  
PujolJunkie: e’yeah  
GreasersAndScoscia: We gonna dig the Angels out of last place without the help of a bunch of meddlesome dead people and Tony Danza??  
PujolJunkie: e’yeah!  
PujolJunkie: E’YEAHHH!  
GreasersAndScoscia: ALL RIGHT HERE GOES /lobs pitch/td>

PujolJunkie: /bursts into tears  
GreasersAndScoscia: f**k me  
PujolJunkie: /sees Rally Monkey

/runs away screaming

Photos link to player info.