Sports

This Half-Eaten Dolphin Is Proof That The Ocean Isn’t For Us Mere Mortals

Hi, how are you? Were you thinking about going to the beach this summer? Were you thinking about enjoying some fun in the sun, splashing around in the water with your friends? Well, think again. Think really damn hard about that because poor Flipper here is dead, and there’s something super scary out there on the East Coast.

SPOILER: It’s probably a shark. A really big, nasty mammal-eating Jaws that will hunt you down and rip you in half. Literally.

Last Saturday, 44-year-old Karissa Kerns spotted the dead dolphin on a beach in New Jersey. Here’s her account of what happened (via NBC 10):

“The lifeguard flipped it over and you could see a shark had grabbed it and chomped right out of it,” Kerns said. “You could see the teeth marks and everything. Its spine was completely severed. It wasn’t a full-sized dolphin and it wasn’t a baby dolphin, it was mid-sized. At that point my mom took my son away quick because he was freaked out about it.”

“One girl grabbed it and she carried it where the trashcans are near a sand dune,” Kerns said. “We left about 45 minutes after. When I was walking out of there it was gone.”

Wait, hang on: A girl dragged a half-eaten dolphin to a trashcan? Is that what we do with dead animals? Seems kinda harsh and gross and unsanitary.

Anyway, a member of the North Wildwood Beach Patrol chimed in with perhaps the most “Joe obvious” line of all-time, saying they believed the dolphin was bitten by “something big.”

Wow. Thanks. I was thinking it was a seahorse, but “something big” probably fits better here.

#TeamDryLandForever

(NBC 10 via Crossing Broad)

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