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‘Total Divas’ Episode Recap: And We’re Back With More Drama Than Ever Before!

Last time we checked in on E!’s Total Divas, things were absolutely getting out of control. Actually, I don’t really remember too well, so I’m just going to wing this part by saying that Nikki Bella and her breasts were upset about something while Brie was more realistic and down-to-Earth, Eva Marie’s star was rising despite her complete lack of wrestling ability, JoJo was jealous of Eva Marie because she’s only 19 and very immature, Ariane was being treated like crap by her boyfriend Vincent and that was in turn affecting her in-ring dynamics with Trinity, and Nattie couldn’t get any TV time or sex from her husband. Does that sound about right? I think so.

That said, Total Divas returned last night with “SummerSlam,” and our favorite second tier characters of the WWE’s female talent haven’t skipped a beat. Buckle up, because we’re about to get dumber than ever.

Post-Midseason Finale Total Divas Power Rankings

1) Trinity (she’s the only Diva on this show that doesn’t make me throw things)
2) Brie Bella
3) Nattie
4) Eva Marie
5) Brie Bella and her breasts
6) JoJo
7) Ariane

Obviously, this will change by the end of this episode, as usual, so let’s get right into it…

You Guys, Eva Marie Has A Very Important Announcement, You Guys

(GIFs via)

Eva Marie is doing a Maxim signing now, which I thought would be implied since she did a shoot for the magazine and the WWE is great at cross-promotion. But I assume they just had to remind us that Eva Marie did a Maxim shoot, because her looks are all she has. I don’t mean that to be a dick, mind you, but her personality and general talent are totally lacking. There’s just no other way I can put that. And she proved my point by having a pissing match with Brie Bella over the difference between her four-page Maxim spread and the Bella Twins being on the cover of Maxim Espanol.

Eva Marie: “You and Nikki were on the cover of Maxim?”
Brie: “Yeah… well, Maxim Espanol.”
Eva Marie: “So you were on the cover of, like, the Mexican one?”
Brie: “Yeah. Espanol.”
Eva Marie: “But not this one.”
Brie: “The cool thing about Maxim Espanol is that it goes to more countries than the USA.”

OH MY GOD I JUST REMEMBERED WHY THIS SHOW PISSES ME OFF SO MUCH! SHUTUP SHUTUP SHUTUP SHUTUP SHUTUP SHUTUP SHUTUP SHUTUP SHUTUP!!!!!!1!

This Episode’s Saying That I Love

Courtesy of Trinity: “What is the reason for the season?”

What does this mean? I’m not sure. I think it’s like, “Why are you so upset?” because she said it after Ariane had a hissy fit behind the wheel of her absurdly large SUV. I’m not exaggerating when I say that I would watch at least a web series that featured Trinity and Jon Uso driving around and reacting to things. They are still the best couple in the world.

By the way, E!, I love you guys, but Ariane complaining about a guy who hesitated at a green light is possibly the worst way to fill two minutes of TV ever. And yes, I understand that I’m saying this to the network that gives 40+ minutes to the Kardashians each week. However, Ariane throwing a drink at that guy and blocking traffic? Again, this at least deserves a web series of its own.

Runner-Up: “Man you look totally shart right now!” – Daniel Bryan

My Least Favorite Person Of This Episode

The young girl who shouted, “You’re so pretty!” at Nikki Bella and her breasts. Parents, you need to teach your daughters that narcissists should never be encouraged.

Let’s Talk About This Bella Twins Vs. Eva Marie Nonsense Some More

As all of this show’s Divas arrived at whichever Raw this was filmed at, Eva Marie had the balls to tell Nikki and her breasts to their face that she’s becoming the fan favorite. And just the way that she says it with that nasally, drawn out whine of hers makes a threeway featuring Janice from Friends, Fran Drescher and Gilbert Gottfried sound hot. When I first started these recaps with my limited knowledge of these Divas, I thought Eva Marie was a 9. Now she’s probably a 6 thanks to her ability to speak and lack of filter.

Eva Marie is buying into rumors on “Twitter and social media” that she’s going to be tagging with John Cena against the Bella Twins and Daniel Bryan at some point, and Nikki and her breasts were simply not having any of Eva Marie’s nonsense. Basically, it all boils down to this – Eva Marie thinks that four pages in Maxim make her hot shit*. The Bella Twins had a Maxim cover, but their main point is that Eva Marie is still nothing in the WWE compared to them. Arguing over Maxim, though? Let me run down a list of 5 quick things off the top of my head that I’d rather brag about than being in Maxim:

1) The ability to read
2) Purchasing stamps
3) Knowing how to make mac and cheese
4) Finding the bathroom in the dark
5) Owning a DVD copy of Air Bud

But don’t let me kill that buzz, Eva Marie. You keep walking around, holding that copy of Maxim. It’ll make for great conversation when you’re sharing a trade show booth with the hand they pretended to pull out of Mae Young in 20 years.

By the way, how much do you think an autographed copy of Eva Marie’s Maxim issue goes for on eBay? I’m guessing .01 with a Buy It Now option for .02.

*I’ve always wondered who came up with the phrase “hot shit” to describe someone who thinks he’s cool. Who wants to be hot shit? Hot shit is disgusting.

And The Award For Strangest Editing Moment…

When Nattie was introduced for her match, there’s a cutaway to two bros high-fiving in the crowd, as if they had this exchange:

Bro 1: “Man, I’m gonna be so pissed if we paid all this money to come to Raw and we don’t get to see Nattie.”
Announcer: “NATALYAAAAAAAA!”
Bro 2: “Oh man, this is the best night of our lives!”

(GIFs via)

Then, of course, Nattie pissed herself during her match with Trinity. I didn’t think that I could like Trinity any more than I already did, and then she used her ass to hit Natty in the stomach, causing her to piss her spandex. Anyone who complains about the lack of quality on TV these days is clearly not watching this show.

Oh Great, Vinnie’s Back To Fight With Ariane In Public

BABE! Babyyyyyyyyy! BABE! Babyyyyyyyyy! BABE! BABE! BABYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY! BABEBABEBABE! BABYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!

F*cking shoot me already.

John Cena’s Got Crazy Jokes

I bet that Cena has asked at least one person at a funeral to pull his finger.

(GIFs via)

Even The Bella Twins’ Dog Is Better Potty Trained Than Nattie

That’s how you tell a joke, John Cena!

CORRECTION: My Least Favorite Person Of This Episode

Earlier I stated that the girl who yelled, “You’re so pretty!” at Nikki Bella and her breasts was the worst person in this episode, but I am changing that to the girl who told Eva Marie that she’s her idol. If you are a human being with a functioning brain and working ears, and you consider Eva Marie to be an “idol” or even remotely worthy of role model status, please seek treatment for your glue-huffing addiction.

TJ And Nattie Are Adorable (And Really Bad Actors)

(GIFs via)

I feel kind of bad for making fun of Nattie for peeing her pants during her match, because she’s clearly so upset about it. Thank goodness she has her soulmate in TJ to be there and comfort her with his poorly memorized lines. I’d love to see this guy try to get out of a speeding ticket. “I’m sorry… officer, but… I had to… poop and… the turtle head was… poking, sorry sir.”

Although, he did make me legitimately laugh when he called Nattie “Pants Pisser.” Hey WWE, you’re missing out on a hell of an angle here.

Wait, Is That An Actual Moment Of Good TV?

The most interesting part of this episode was listening to Daniel Bryan talk about his mental state prior to his SummerSlam main event against Cena. Hell, even listening to Brie talk about her match was interesting. I’d love to have even five minutes of these shows giving us the slightest actual, honest glimpse into the minds of these talented performers. I would absolutely not fast forward through those bits like I did with everything involving Ariane’s temper.

As Always, Brie Is There To Weather The Storm

(GIFs via)

Again, another angle that would have been very interesting to see expanded was Cena opening up to Nikki and her breasts about his torn tendon and what that means to his career. Instead, it got roughly two minutes of attention, but I understand that because this is Total Divas and not Cena’s Health Report. So it all ultimately boils down to the most prevalent issues – Nikki and her breasts worrying about Eva Marie’s emergence.

Honestly, this is like Peyton Manning worrying about Blaine Gabbert, but we need something to base each episode around, so let’s get ready for some seriously catty feuding between Eva Marie and Nikki and her breasts.

The Random Piece Of Fan Art That I Found

I guarantee that someone has seen this picture and thought, “I CAN’T BELIEVE DANIEL BRYAN WOULD DO THAT TO BRIE!!!” But with more emoticons.

Post “SummerSlam” Episode Total Divas Power Rankings

1) Trinity
2) JoJo (because she was barely in it until she showed up to sing the best song ever, “The Star-Spangled Banner”)
3) Nattie… poor, pants-pissing Nattie
4) Brie Bella
5) Nikki Bella and her breasts
6) Ariane (at least she’s willing to admit she has temper issues)
7) Eva Marie

Get the hell over yourself, Eva Marie.

On Next Week’s Episode: A lot of yelling. A LOT.

(Random caps via)

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