Hello again, fight fans. UFC Fight Night 67, live from Goiania, Brazil, will kick off at 7:00 PM ET on Fight pass, and there are twelve bouts on that card, so let’s jump into the predictions!
Important Standings of Note:
Jessica: 391-261-4 (60%)
Burnsy: 404-235-5 (63%)
Vince: 199-126-2 (61%)
Ryan: 10-5-1 (66%)
Danny: 161-77-1 (67%)
Spilled: 81-60-2 (57%)
Sydnie: 16-12 (57%)
Chris: 42-13-2 (75%)
NY Ric: 36-26-1 (57%)
Ghost: 6-7 (46%)
Seth: 32-15 (68%)
Biss: 41-39-1 (51%)
Jared: 49-30-1 (62%)
Melanie: 13-7 (65%)
Welterweight – Luiz “Besouro” Dutra vs Tom “The Octopus” Breese
Jessica: YOU CANNOT HOPE TO CONTAIN AN OCTOPUS INSIDE THE OCTAGON, LUIZ! Tom’s going to wrap up Dutra and squeeze out a submission in the second round.
Burnsy: First and foremost, I won’t lie – I wish the UFC had taken a break this weekend so we could all sit back and reflect on what a perfect and insta-classic PPV we just watched last weekend. Seriously, the UFC should be hosting parades in every city right now like, “HEY LOOK AT WHAT WE JUST DID!” That said, free fights is free fights, yo. Coming off my one-loss UFC 187 picks, I’m feeling like Cowboy Cerrone and I just can’t lose. So I probably will. I’ll start by picking the hometown guy, Dutra, and pray that he gets his elbows under control this time.
Jared: “The Octopus” vs. “The Beetle.” Both great nicknames, but there can be only one. And that one is Octopus.
Strawweight – Juliana “Ju Thai” Lima vs Ericka Almeida
Jessica: Sorry, Ericka, but I can only go with one 7-0 fighter making a UFC debut, and you aren’t nicknamed “The Octopus.” Almeida also isn’t Joanna Champion, so I don’t see her beating Lima. “Ju Thai” wins by decision here.
Burnsy: Wow, Brazil-on-Brazil action. Which fighter will the crowd support with chants of murder? I’m going to get really scientific here… in high school I had a huge crush on Juliana Hatfield, so I’ll take Ju Thai here. SCIENCE.
Jared: Juliana Lima gave Joanna Champion a hell of a scrap and has the experience edge, so I’ll go with her.
Melanie: Lima is the better known and more seasoned fighter, but she’s also the more lackluster one, and probably needs to be cut. Almeida by submission.
Featherweight – Lucas “Mineiro” Martins vs Mirsad Bektic
Jessica: I won’t look sad after Bektic remains undefeated and beats up Martins with a third round TKO.
Burnsy: I really like Bektic from what I’ve seen from him in his two fights in the UFC, but I really, really like the way Martins can end his opponent when he’s on. Home crowd for Martins this time, so I’ll give him the nod for a nasty TKO.
Jared: Martins is one tough SOB, but there’s a reason that everyone (including my bookie, Vito “Gabagool” Montanelli) is so high on Bektic.
Welterweight – Elizeu “Capoeira” Zaleski dos Santos vs Nicolas “Sharpshooter” Dalby
Jessica: I guess I’ll go with the #11 Brazil fighter over the #1 Nordic fighter since I think Brazil’s talent pool is way deeper. Plus, there’s no way that Dalby actually locks in a Sharpshooter on anyone. Zaleski dos Santos wins with a second round KO.
Burnsy: Not to be a nitpicker about how the UFC schedules its events, but two guys making their debut should always lead off the event. It’s a fairness thing. With that important note out of the way, I’m taking Capoeira because of the mystery of his Sherdog profile. I like to think he’s thousands of years old, like a pugilistic Kenneth Parcell.
Jared: I know absolutely nothing about either fighter, except that Dalby looks like the lovechild of Chris Weidman and Ben Askren. Based on that, I’m guessing he has some solid wrestling skills with KO power to boot. SCIENCE!
Flyweight – Jussier “Formiga” da Silva vs Wilson Reis
Jessica: I always confused Reis with Alexis Vila because I’m a big ol’ dummy. Formiga has only ever lost to the very tippity top of the flyweight division, and Reis isn’t that good. Jussier is going to win a grappley decision.
Burnsy: YES! THE BATTLE OF GUYS WHO EMBARRASSED SCOTT JORGENSEN! Reis looks like a generic build-your-own fighter on a UFC video game, but I won’t hold that against him. I honestly can’t pick this one with confidence so I will take Formiga on record.
Jared: After a rough start to his career, Formiga has picked up back-to-back wins over solid competition. His striking has improved by leaps and bounds, and Reis is just sloppier all around. Formiga wins this one inside the distance.
Featherweight – Rony Jason vs Damon “The Leech” Jackson
Jessica: I’ll take Jackson to submit Jason just so that Rony can cry about it and smash a wall again. Leech wins in the third.
Burnsy: I feel bad. I bought so much stock in Jason early on, after he won and won and won to start his UFC career, and now he’s 1-2 in his last three fights. Growing pains, I guess. I’m going to do him a favor and pick Damon Jackson to win, as he’s coming off his introductory UFC loss and should be good for a big win over a struggling fighter. (Reverse jinx, pronounced heverse, for Jason.)
Jared: Never bet against a KO artist who has “Jiu-Jitsu” tatted on his back. Never.
Welterweight – Wendell “The Machine” Oliveira vs Darren Till
Jessica: Till wins most of his fights by KO, and Oliveira has lost a large portion of his fights by that same method. I’ll go with that and say Till wins by second round TKO.
Burnsy: Look at Till’s DOOF profile fighter pic. He’s going to get a “Welcome to Brazil and the UFC” KO from The Machine.
Jared: I have watched thousands of fights in my life, maybe more, and countless highlight reels wherein the pairing was lanky-white-dude vs. yoked- black-dude, and in 95% of those cases, it’s the white guy who ends up eating canvas. Is that racist? I’m not even sure anymore, but the point is, Oliveira possesses the kind of speed+power – or “explosiveness” as it will likely be described –that leads me to believe he will produce the kind of highlight reel KO I was mentioning earlier.
For whatever reason, I feel the need to reiterate that I’m not racist, you guys. Except against Italians.
Lightweight – Francisco “Massaranduba” Trinaldo vs “Stormin” Norman Parke
Jessica: Both dudes have lost to lightweight juggernaut, Gleison “Glacier Tebow” Tibau. The guys Parke has beaten aren’t as good as the dudes Trinaldo has beaten, so I’ll take Francisco to beat Norman. That’s some advanced, analytical science right there. Trinaldo wins by decision.
Burnsy: I like Parke’s potential in the UFC, but I do not like his potential against a veteran Brazilian fighter. Trinaldo should whoop his ass accordingly.
Jared: I hesitate to pick Norman here, because Trinaldo is pretty much built exactly like the last man to beat him, Gleison Tibau. That said, Trinaldo is like a poor man’s Tibau, and should get outmuscled by Parke to a decision loss here.
Light Heavyweight – Francimar “Bodao” Barroso vs Ryan “The Big Deal” Jimmo
Jessica: I’m surprised Jimmo isn’t in an obvious squash match after he spoke out about getting shitty comped seats and not making much money. Barroso hasn’t fought in a way long time, and I’ll say that Jimmo does one of his “oh yeah, I can punch pretty hard” things and scores a big first round KO.
Burnsy: Jimmo’s a win one/lose one guy of late, and he’s certainly due to win this one by that accord. Meanwhile, Barroso is 35 and fights once or twice a year. My common sense is telling me to once again take the home fighter, but I think Jimmo steals this one.
Jared: If Jimmo doesn’t knock this chump out in the first round, this fight is going to SUUUUUUUCK.
Welterweight – KJ Noons vs Alex “Cowboy” Oliveira
Jessica: I still don’t like Karl James Noons and his stupid face. He also couldn’t beat the lightweight Cowboy, and he won’t beat the welterweight one, either. Oliveira punch-kicks his way to a second round KO of KJ.
Burnsy: Now THIS is a fighter profile pic I can set a watch to…
How do you pick against that? I pray he comes to the octagon like that. I might lose my mind and die giggling.
Jared: Noons may have knocked Sam Stout silly a couple fights back, but the game’s been passing him by ever since the tail end of his Strikeforce days, which saddens me, because he possesses the kind of slick boxing (see the aforementioned Stout fight) that makes any fight interesting. Oliveira, however, is just a monster. Sure, he dropped his UFC debut to an even bigger monster in Gilbert Burns, but he’s bigger, meaner, and hungrier than Noons at this point.
Melanie: Noons striking is terrific, but Oliveira is a better all-around fighter. Oliveira by split decision.
Featherweight – Nik “The Carny” Lentz vs Charles “Do Bronx” Oliveira
Jessica: Both dudes have done well since dropping to featherweight, and this should be a good rematch. That being said, as much as I like Do Bronx, and I really do, he’s got great submissions, I super love Nik’s corgi, Tilly. Only the very best fighters can overcome that kind of blind devotion. Lentz wrestles his way to a decision win.
Burnsy: I always forget how long Lentz has been in the UFC because he’s only 30, but Oliveira has been there just as long and he’s only 25. I wish they could both win, but I’m taking Oliveira in the rematch from 2011’s “Oops” knee.
Jared: Oliveira has looked like he’s hitting his peak lately and should win this rematch with ease. When’s the last time Lentz even fought? Their first fight? 10 years ago? Who even cares.
Welterweight – Carlos “The Natural Born Killer” Condit vs Thiago “Pitbull” Alves
Jessica: VIOLENCE, WOO! This fight should be mega awesome. Condit tends to struggle against stifling wrestlers, which Alves isn’t. Thiago is dangerous on the feet, but he’s stumpy compared to Carlos, which should be the key factor. Condit will out-land Alves and win by third round TKO.
Burnsy: How about we get a five-round fight from these guys? I was a little bummed that we didn’t get a main event that went the distance last week, but I’m not really bummed because those main events were F*CKING FANTASTIC! That said, Condit back?!?! Condit is back.
Jared: Matching a guy coming off ACL surgery against a guy capable of this seems downright spiteful, but Alves has lost a lot of pep in his step due to injuries over the years and was getting tore up by Jordan Mein before he landed that body kick. Barring another freak accident, Condit should take this.
Melanie: Both are coming back from sidelining injuries, but Condit should readily finish Alves by submission.
Performance of the Night
Jessica: Jimmo, Alex Oliveira
Burnsy: Condit, Charles Oliveira
Fight of the Night
Jessica: Condit vs Alves
Burnsy: Lentz vs Oliveira