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Everyone’s favorite lunatic felon moron and Bellator welterweight, War “Jon Koppenhaver” Machine is prone to intense bouts of rage. Usually, it’s over something inconsequential, and a normal person would be able to handle things in a mature, adult manner. Except War Machine doesn’t do mature, adult things, he does ALPHA MALE SH*T. So, when a 7-Eleven told him to remove his hoodie before he was allowed to purchase a Slurpee, he lost his ding-dang mind, y’all (Yeah, I know I used that line on Monday, but it fits so well).
Now, a quick look at the top 5 best and worst parts of that video.
Worsts:
1. He was actually served a Slurpee at the end
2. Vertically-oriented video
3. There aren’t any 7-Elevens where I live and now I really want a Slurpee, too
4. War Machine is too dumb to edit out the chunk of nothing while he goes inside to get a Slurpee
5. He mentions going to see Mack, which means he is somehow still with her and JEEZE, JUST BREAK UP WITH THIS IDIOT ALREADY, CHRISTY, SHEESH BO-BEESH!
Bests:
1. IT’S RAINING AND COLD AND NOBODY UNDERSTANDS HOW IMPORTANT HOODIES ARE IN THE FIGHT AGAINST DAMPNESS!
2. That chunk of nothing while he’s inside getting the Slurpee means I don’t have to see War Machine for a minute
3. His petulant, child-like temper tantrum delights me to no end
4. He’s too dumb to understand “take off your hoodie” really just means “remove the hood from your head so I can see your face in case you decide to do crimes”
5. During his second attempt to buy a Slurpee, I wondered what his reaction would have been if he was refused again. He punched himself because 4Chan trolled him, so I think he would have cut off his face if he wasn’t allowed to buy a Slurpee.
If he doesn’t get arrested for stabbing a guy over a Twinkie, War Machine can next be seen in the quarter final round of the Bellator season 10 welterweight tournament against Nah-Shon “The Rock N Rolla” Burrell. With Leather wishes Nah-Shon the best of luck in repeatedly punching War Machine in his stupid face.
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he dumped his fuckin’ slurpee ON THE FLOOOOOR
HE AIN’T PART OF THE SYSTEM!
THROW IT ON THE GROUND!
This angle and his angry face makes him look like Joe Rogan’s mentally retarded little brother, Slow Rogan.
Also, “slsfmphfugginslerpee.” @ 1:53
Slow Rogan!!!! Bahahaha
slow rogan legitmately made me giggled out my milk, so +1 to you, asshole.
You DON’T UNNERSTANBRO!! War Macine was PISSED cause they are violating his basic slurpee rights and his hoodie rights cause …cause .. America
Loudmouth, temper tantrum, raging assholes like that are the WORST!!
He’s total douche. I always feel a bit bad for him though, seems like some serious shit happened to him when he was younger. I remember watching him on TUF, and he had the thinnest skin I’ve ever seen on a person. It was like he was always on the verge of crying, can’t imagine what had to happen to him to get like that.
I mean, yes, his dad had a heart attack and died as War Machine was attempting CPR to revive him, which I admit is fucked up, but I think his current mental state goes far beyond that.
How so? For the record, I didn’t know anything about his early life, so thanks for that.
I meant that he had a terrible trauma affect him at a young age, but it doesn’t account for all of his current level of crazy-cakes, only like 25%. The rest is just him being a whack-a-loon
That rain inside of 7-11 is a killer, he clearly needed to keep his hood up for protection because War Machine is a sensible, rational human being.
61. 61 times in 4:21 seconds, Im not counting the 2 minutes he was buying a slurpee and not talking he says “fuck” or some variation of it.
Also I feel like ive been pronouncing slurpee wrong my whole life. Apparently its pronounced “fuckin slurpee.”
That’s what, one fuck every 4 seconds?
@Lobster Mobster basically. Its 4.2 secs, but no need to split hairs on this one. Honestly I feel like I may have missed 1 or 2 of them because he just so casually puts them in there. Im not going back to listen again. My brain wont allow me.
MOAR WAR MACHINE POSTS PLZ
I like that you can’t see his vehicle so we are left guessing just how dsouchey it actually is based on the fact that it beeps in reverse And how many times do you have to look over your shoulders in different directions while you back up? I can only assume he got a slurpy at the only 7-11 in america that has a maze for a parking lot.
I hate that he is banging Christy Mack. She is so hot, with or without her style, she is just a legitimately hot chick, and she also seems to have quite a decent personality and sense of humor.
And he’s such a douche. I watch his fights solely to see him lose, and to see if someone splits his skin if douche is going to pour out.
Just googled Christy Mack. Yeah, War Machine probably isn’t her type.
I think we can all agree that this is the worst case ever of someone wearing a hoodie being profiled.
Supplementary Best: Jessica’s various euphemisms for “crazy”
Crazy in the cage, crazier out of the cage. What’s not to like about War Machine.