War Machine And The Quest For A Slurpee

03.05.14 4 years ago 22 Comments

War Machine slurpee

Everyone’s favorite lunatic felon moron and Bellator welterweight, WarJon KoppenhaverMachine is prone to intense bouts of rage. Usually, it’s over something inconsequential, and a normal person would be able to handle things in a mature, adult manner. Except War Machine doesn’t do mature, adult things, he does ALPHA MALE SH*T. So, when a 7-Eleven told him to remove his hoodie before he was allowed to purchase a Slurpee, he lost his ding-dang mind, y’all (Yeah, I know I used that line on Monday, but it fits so well).

Now, a quick look at the top 5 best and worst parts of that video.


1. He was actually served a Slurpee at the end
2. Vertically-oriented video
3. There aren’t any 7-Elevens where I live and now I really want a Slurpee, too
4. War Machine is too dumb to edit out the chunk of nothing while he goes inside to get a Slurpee
5. He mentions going to see Mack, which means he is somehow still with her and JEEZE, JUST BREAK UP WITH THIS IDIOT ALREADY, CHRISTY, SHEESH BO-BEESH!


2. That chunk of nothing while he’s inside getting the Slurpee means I don’t have to see War Machine for a minute
3. His petulant, child-like temper tantrum delights me to no end
4. He’s too dumb to understand “take off your hoodie” really just means “remove the hood from your head so I can see your face in case you decide to do crimes”
5. During his second attempt to buy a Slurpee, I wondered what his reaction would have been if he was refused again. He punched himself because 4Chan trolled him, so I think he would have cut off his face if he wasn’t allowed to buy a Slurpee.

If he doesn’t get arrested for stabbing a guy over a Twinkie, War Machine can next be seen in the quarter final round of the Bellator season 10 welterweight tournament against Nah-Shon “The Rock N Rolla” Burrell. With Leather wishes Nah-Shon the best of luck in repeatedly punching War Machine in his stupid face.

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