The Week 11 Fantasy Football Support Group: Nice Of You To Join Us, Ray

This week was an interesting one in the NFL for fantasy football losers like you and I, because as I was laying on the couch, scratching my thunder on Sunday morning, the first weather reports started trickling in from Chicago. A nasty storm was threatening NFL action in the Midwest, but the Bears-Ravens game had it worse than anyone, as an evacuation plan was already being discussed. Without hesitation, I dropped Ray Rice and Alshon Jeffrey to my bench, although I think the majority of us would agree that the former should have been there anyway, as one of the top nominees for Poopy Head Fantasy Bust of the Year.

Naturally, despite a weather delay, Rice finally broke out and had a huge game with more than 130 yards rushing and one TD. That should have been two TDs, but several teams seemed to have problems with the idea of “Hey, we’ve got 1st and Goal from the 1, maybe we should run” this week. So if you’re excited to have Rice bouncing back this late in the season, you have me to thank for that. If he ends up sucking again this week, though, that’s all your fault.

I’m not trying to be a dick and pass the buck, I’m just playing by my own very convenient rules.

You Probably Lost This Week If You Faced: Ben Roethlisberger (39 points) or Calvin Johnson (28 points), maybe Bobby Rainey (34 points)

I lost to a guy who started Ben Roethlisberger and Antonio Brown, so that was pretty awful. I think I closed out the ESPN scoring app by halftime in the 1 PM games because there was just no point after that. As for Calvin Johnson, I have a new rule regarding his extremely awesome play over the last few weeks of the season: If you drafted Johnson in the first round and openly brag about how well he’s playing, you must staple your nuts to the floor for 20 seconds. Of course Megatron is going to do this. Congrats on making the obvious pick. I award you no points for being exceptional, but you can sit there and know that I’m extremely jealous if it helps bolster your meaningless pride.

Whatever, it’s Week 12, I’m allowed to be bitter and panicking.

If you played against someone starting Bobby Rainey this week, that must be a pretty painful feeling. Chances are it’s a guy close to last or in last and he’s just trying to make it respectable. Meanwhile, you’re holding on to your last shreds of hope to grab the 6th or 8th playoff spot, and this prick just f*cks you up like that. It’s okay, that’s why we’re here.

The QBs That Probably Broke Your Hearts This Week: Geno Smith, Joe Flacco, Case Keenum

This was a pretty great week for QBs with a cutoff point of about 15 points, depending on your scoring, and if you’re starting one of the three guys I mentioned at this point in the season, then you better have the best RBs and WRs on the face of the planet. Otherwise, you’re either tanking for your bros, which is totes uncool, or you’re just trying to play spoiler. Still, if you’re running with one of these guys, maybe give Matt McGloin a chance. You can’t do any worse.

The RBs That Probably Broke Your Hearts This Week: Jonathan Stewart, Andre Ellington, CJ Spiller, Darren Sproles, DeAngelo Williams, Fred Jackson, Lamar Miller, Danny Woodhead, Reggie Bush, Frank Gore, Trent Richardson, Adrian Peterson, Steven Jackson, Jamaal Charles, Knowshon Moreno, Le’Veon Bell

This was a rough week for RBs, as only four guys I’d consider first round picks (LeSean McCoy, Marshawn Lynch, Ray Rice and Matt Forte) cracked the 10-point mark. Meanwhile, Donald Brown is making Trent Richardson look like Terence Trent D’Arby, and he’s making me really reach for good jokes. So the Colts are obviously going to go with Brown as the starter now, right? Ride the hot hand, yes? Apparently not. Good luck with that, Colts.

The WRs That Probably Broke Your Hearts This Week: AJ Green, Cecil Shorts, Golden Tate, Mike Wallace, Riley Cooper, Keenan Allen, TY Hilton, Danny Amendola, Brandon Marshall, Hakeem Nicks, Pierre Garcon, Steve Smith, Roddy White, Wes Welker, Eric Decker, DeSean Jackson

I was going to include Marques Colston with his 8 points, but as someone who dropped him weeks ago, 8 points is on par with Calvin Johnson’s 28 points for Colston. As for Green’s awfulness this week, I wouldn’t be surprised if he’s eventually caught breaking into Joe Haden’s home and leaving broken glass all over his floors before setting off a smoke alarm. That’s the only think that might be able to help him play better against him. That or figure out how to set Andy Dalton’s brain on Madden rookie mode.

The Year Of The Tight End Rumbles On

Sure, Jimmy Graham, Jordan Cameron and Jordan Reed played like duds this week, but 10 guys scored 10 or more this week and another six were within two points of them. At this point, if my TE gets me more than five points in any given week, I’m considering that a success. You might think that’s being pessimistic, but since I’m not psychic and have no clue when Delanie Walker is going to blow up, I’ll keep my fingers crossed that Vernon Davis stays healthy as Colin Kaepernick keeps over- and underthrowing him.

A Shoutout To That Special Kicker In My Life

I heart you, Steven Hauschka. You’re not always the best kicker in the world, but you’ve been my MVP at least three times this season, and while that’s so incredibly sad, I don’t want you to think I haven’t picked out a nice fruit basket to send you.