Doug Martin had 8 carries for 31 yards heading into halftime of the Tampa Bay Buccaneers’ 42-32 win over the Oakland Raiders. In the second half, the rookie out of Boise State carried the ball 17 times for 220 yards and 4 touchdowns, in what is one of the most ridiculous non-QB fantasy football performances of all-time. I bring this up not to celebrate the rookie of the year frontrunner, but to bitch about him instead. Welcome to my new Monday feature – the With Leather Fantasy Football Support Group.
Years ago, when MySpace was a thing and not a Justin Timberlake paycheck, I used to have a group for my friends in which we would ask each other advice about trades, bye week pick-ups, whose mom had the hottest cans, etc. and I always meant to bring that here, I just forgot because I’m an idiot. But that ends today, because each Monday I’m going to reach out to people who have been scorned and destroyed by the biggest fantasy football performances of the week. It starts with Doug Martin, because I traded him two weeks ago and yesterday that bro’s team tore my balls off and used them as a hackey sack.
So here’s how this should work – I’m going to share my “Cool story, bro” and some responses from Twitter. Then, I encourage everyone to also share their stories in the comments. THEN, I will pick the absolute worst defeat of the week – with proof, of course – and award that bro or broette a brand new, third edition With Leather t-shirt that will look something like this, but will have a funny picture and better font:
I’ve been meaning to make that shirt for a few weeks now, ever since my best friend and the WWE’s next big star, Derrick Bateman, blamed his terrible fantasy team on my preseason rankings*. That said, here’s my Doug Martin story:
Two weeks ago, I couldn’t believe my luck. A guy offered me Chris Johnson and Julio Jones for Doug Martin and Antonio Brown. I still believe I got the better end of that deal, because it’s a keeper league and I got Martin in the third round so I wouldn’t have kept him anyway and Brown has been a dud. But I also have Matt Ryan, so pairing him with Jones was a godsend. I played the guy I made that deal with this week, and heading into that halftime, I was steamrolling, thanks to Johnson’s garbage TD, the Bears’ incredible first half, and Brandon Marshall’s 3 TDs. After the second half? I’ve already lost, 177.38-158.58. That knocks me out of first place and drops me to 5-4. And I lose my points lead.
But that’s like Mitt Romney bitching about losing five bucks, so come on – give me your fantasy football war stories from this week and let’s see if we can make you feel better. Here is this week’s leading contender because I enjoy the imagery. But feel free to beat it.
I’m pretty sure he meant “like”, but after the Indianapolis Colts beat the Miami Dolphins yesterday, I don’t mind.
*Not that you asked, but I’m in 1st, 2nd, 3rd and 3rd in four leagues and we won’t talk about my horrendous auction league team because my rankings weren’t made for that. My point is that my rankings worked fine for me, so don’t blame my science, dammit.
(Banner image via Shutterstock.)
