Wrigley Field Is Gross, Hosts Alien Virus

Recent inspection reports from Chicago’s Wrigley Field show that out of 35 concessions, health inspectors found 20 critical violations at nine booths. In case you were hoping a “critical violation” to a health inspector means something harmless like “bald guy not wearing hair net”, I am deeply saddened to inform you that it is not harmless and probably the grossest things you can imagine, including but not limited to black slime accumulating in an ice machine.

Let that sink in for a moment. Black slime. Start trying to figure out how a machine with nothing in it but ice could even grow black slime.

Big League Stew has a complete rundown of Wrigley’s violations, including an hilarious TV segment where a reporter has to ask someone if goddamn black slime growing in a vending machine is good or bad, and a “food safety expert” has to use their lifetime of experience to confirm that it is bad. In case you ever wanted to have a hot dog again, other violations included

• Food being cooked at temperatures not hot enough to kill bacteria.

• Workers serving food with the same unclean hands that touch germ-ridden money.

• More than 24 pounds of hamburgers, hot dogs and sausages that had to be thrown away because they were unsafe to eat.

I guess the Ricketts family got their healthcare procedures from the corn dog scene in Adventureland.

My theory is that God has to find some way to dissuade people from supporting the Cubs and the whole 100 years of losing thing didn’t work, so poisoning them with 70-degree black oil sausages is the next idea. To their credit, nothing at the ballpark is “healthy” (that bin of day-old pineapple I can shovel into a cup isn’t fooling anybody), a 100% healthy fast food stand anywhere that thousands of sports fans gather is probably an impossibility, and there’s a solid chance that even my souvenir soda from Progressive Field was Starbucked at the bottom with asbestos. To their discredit, Jesus Christ, Wrigley Field, could I get f**king Icee without you blowing your nose in it?

[image via RandomESHG]