Lucille Bluth, the matriarch of the Bluth family on Arrested Development, is a judgmental, drunken mess of a mother and we wouldn’t have her any other way — primarily because she isn’t our mother. Since we were all graced with sainted mothers when compared to Lucille, let’s take a moment to laugh at the pain that she has caused her children and her liver with these quotes.
“Here’s some money, go see a Star War”
This might hit a little too close to home for some of you, but this honestly counts as one of the only times Lucile even feigned interest in what her kids might like, and it counts as affection when compared to all the other moments on this list.
“Everything you do is so dramatic and flamboyant, it just makes me want to set myself on fire.”
I see what you did there, Arrested Development writer-peoples.
“You want your belt to buckle, not your chair.”
Pretty sure Lucille has a standing offer to be the big bad on The Biggest Loser.
“Suddenly, playing with yourself is a scholarly pursuit.”
A quick search of Google reveals that despite the influx of online education programs, playing with oneself is not yet a scholarly pursuit. It’s not really a professional one and none of the more respectable hobbyist magazines, zines, or web-brings seem interested in adding it to their ranks either. Sorry, Buster.
Lucille: “Get me a vodka rocks”
Michael: “Mom, it’s breakfast.”
Lucille: “And a piece of toast.”
The breakfast of champions… two decades after their prime… while sitting at a bus stop because all their “being champion” money left them and nobody bothered to ask if they wanted to put their freaking name on a hamburger grill.
Lucille: “I mean, it’s one banana, Michael. What could it have cost? Ten dollars?”
Remember, there’s always money in the banana stand.
Lucille: “I love all my children equally!”
[Earlier that day]
Lucille: “I don’t care for GOB.”
The next time someone says this about their own kids, keep this clip in mind. I mean, they probably mean it. But, probably not. A lot of kids are pretty terrible. Not yours, though. They’re great.
Michael: “What’s the matter of life and death?”
Lucille: “Buster’s jaw clicks when he eats.”
In fairness, have you ever had to sit next to someone with a clicking jaw? That’s like sitting next to someone who doesn’t know how to chew gum properly or someone who eats with their mouth open. Monsters. Pure. F*cking. Monsters.
Bit of an oversell?
Michael: [regarding Buster’s bike accident] “You were flying today, buddy”
Buster: “Yes, I was flying. But, a little too close to the sun.”
Lucille: [to Michael] “You let him go in the sun?!”
Buster has such sensitive skin. Michael should really have known better
Michael: Buster got a medal? What for?
Lucille: Oh, who knows what they were saying? It’s probably because a seal ate his hand. Apparently, the army is giving out medals for being food now.
Maiming by seal is a pretty vicious thing to live through, but so is living through your childhood with Lucile as a mother, maiming your soul with every carelessly tossed barb. Give Buster a medal for that!
Michael: Um… you know there isn’t a hospital bar, mother.
Lucille: Well, this is why people hate hospitals.
You know, come to think of it, why isn’t there a hospital bar? You’re more likely to get bad news at a hospital than anywhere else, so you’re probably going to need a stiff drink.