This year’s Super Bowl featured all the drama you could possibly ask for. Fourth quarter comebacks; incredible, borderline impossible catches; and a last-second game-saving interception following a questionable play call. It was a great game, and if you and I were to sit down and try to dissect all of its moving parts, we could go at it for hours.
It also featured a halftime performance by Katy Perry in which two dancing sharks joined her on stage, though, so let’s hold off on that football chat for a minute here. We have more pressing issues to address. And we have questions. Lots of questions.
Away we go.
What if those are real sharks?
How did they grow legs?
Sharks can just walk around and breathe oxygen now?
WHAT ARE WE GONNA DO?
Or are these a new, friendly species of sharks that just love dancing to top 40 radio hits and not biting people’s appendages off?
If so, do you think we can trust them?
Like, what if it is a trap?
What if the sharks were like “No, listen, we just want legs so we can dance. We’re not going to walk around eating people,” and whatever higher power is in charge of giving sea creatures legs was like “You know what, sharks? Okay,” and then the sharks did a little evil laugh?
Or was this more of a Little Mermaid situation?
Did the sharks have to give up their singing voices to grow legs, too?
Like, is that just the going rate, voice for legs?
What if they didn’t even have good singing voices to begin with?
Do you think they played it cool in the negotiations, like “Noooo not my singing voice” so that was all they had to give up, and then immediately after the trade they were like “PSYCH! We just wanted to dance anyway” and did a shark jig off to dry land?
Is that why people refer to tough negotiators in general as “sharks,” because sharks are literally good at negotiating?
Do you think these two beat out other dancing sharks for the Super Bowl gig, or did they beat out humans?
How would you explain to your significant other that you got beat out at an audition by a dancing, ambulatory shark?
Do you think the sharks have blue-collar dads who work down at the reef and are disappointed/confused about the lifestyle their kids have chosen?
Like, are their dads all “Why can’t you just stay here in the ocean and hunt like your brother?! What, we’re not good enough for you now?!” and they’re like “You never understood me! I’m doing what I love!”
If you were a shark who loved dancing, would you follow your dreams?
What if one of the dancing sharks had eaten Katy Perry?
What if the one on the right in the banner pic had leaned right over during “California Girls” and bit her technicolor head off?
What would you have done?
What would any of us have done?
Would they have just canceled the Super Bowl forever and called it a tie?
Can you imagine the headlines?
What if you couldn’t watch live because you were working and when you got out of work and checked Facebook on your phone the first thing you saw was a link that said “TRAGEDY AT THE SUPER BOWL: DANCING SHARK DECAPITATES KATY PERRY DURING HALFTIME SHOW, LENNY KRAVITZ INCONSOLABLE”?
You’d just stare at your phone in total shock for an hour, right?
Do you think this brazen act of shark-on-human violence would lead to a massive public outcry, complete with an all-star anti-shark fundraiser in primetime, possibly put together by George Clooney?
If George Clooney put together an all-star anti-shark fundraiser that aired in primetime on every network and maybe featured appearances by Brad Pitt and Jennifer Lawrence, and a performance Bruce Springsteen, would you watch it?
What if it were up against, say, the series premiere of Better Call Saul?
On second thought, these are definitely people in shark suits, huh?
In any event, what was the deal with the shark on the left?
Why is it dancing somewhat out of step with Katy and the other shark?
Did the person inside the suit just get swept up in the moment and have a minor brain fart on the choreography?
Was it a last minute swap-in to the understudy that caused the problem?
Or… what if that wasn’t a dancer in there at all?
What if it was an undercover cop?
What if this was a Naked Gun situation and a series of wacky events resulted in a cop wearing a shark costume on stage during the halftime performance of the Super Bowl, all as part of his attempt to thwart an imminent act of terror?
What if it was Mark Wahlberg in there?
I mean, he was at the game, and he’s kinda implied that he’d go to great lengths to stop a real-life terrorist attack, right?
What if Mark Wahlberg — literally moments before the performance, wearing a plush shark suit — disarmed a bomb under the field that was set to go off at the beginning of the second half, and we never found out?
WHAT IF MARK WAHLBERG IN A SHARK COSTUME THWARTED BANE?
Would you watch a movie in which Mark Wahlberg plays a rogue Phoenix cop (originally from Boston, obvs) who gets his badge and gun taken away for loose cannon shenanigans and is forced to investigate a terrorist plot set in action by Bane from The Dark Knight Rises, and the only way he can stop it is by putting on a plush, anatomically-incorrect shark costume and dancing behind Katy Perry?
He’d be probably be all “Christ, it is hawt as fack in this shahk suit,” huh?
Get it, because he’s from Boston?
WHAT IF THE PLOT HE THWARTED WAS THE THING ABOUT THE SHARK EATING KATY PERRY?
What if the shark on the left was supposed to eat her but Mark Wahlberg found out weeks in advance and made his own costume that looked just like the real dancing shark so he could step in and make sure the performance went off without a hitch?
Is there anything funnier than the mental image of Mark Wahlberg spending weeks hand-sewing a plush shark costume in his basement?
But seriously, though, out of the millions and millions of people who watched the Super Bowl, there had to be at least one person who was incredibly turned on by those plush dancing sharks, right?