Last week, McDonald’s unveiled its new, re-branded, real-life Hamburglar. The internet, understandably, had quite a bit of fun with the news at the time. Look at that guy. He looks like Zorro’s attention-starved younger brother. He looks like someone who has strong opinions that he shares on Reddit. He looks like the star of a movie titled Watchmen 2: Welp. You get the idea.
But if McDonald’s really intends to see this through, and it appears they do… well, we have a few questions.
How many hamburgers does the Hamburglar steal at once?
Does he steal a lot of hamburgers?
How many hamburgers would you consider to be “a lot of hamburgers”?
What does he do with 20 or more hamburgers?
Does he eat them all himself?
If he does, shouldn’t he be, like, really fat?
How funny would it be to watch security footage of a huge fat guy dressed like this trying to steal hamburgers from a McDonald’s and getting all out of breath mid-robbery?
Really funny, right?
Hey, what the hell is happening in this commercial?
So, the Hamburglar is just some suburban dad?
That’s his secret identity?
What’s the deal with the secret crime room in the back of his garage?
Shouldn’t he have taken like 100 of the dollars he used on the fancy keypad entry hidden door and put it toward a better, non-Party City costume?
Given all the news about the importance of secure passwords, is using “111” as his password incredibly stupid, or incredibly smart?
Like, who would even suspect that a famous fugitive thief would be dumb enough to use that as his code?
Speaking of the “famous” thing, what’s with all the framed newspaper articles he has on the wall?
What kind of bumpkin-ass town devotes the front page of their newspaper to someone stealing hamburgers from McDonald’s?
I mean, using our example above, assuming he stole 20 hamburgers, isn’t that just a theft of like $40?
Or are we supposed to believe this is a bigger heist, possibly in the hundreds of hamburgers?
What in the dang hell is someone supposed to do with hundreds of stolen cooked hamburgers?
WHAT IS YOUR ENDGAME, HAMBURGLAR?
Does… does he sell them for a discounted price on the black market, like you would with stolen art or diamonds?
What kind of tragedies would have to take place in your life before you would consider buying a quickly cooling half-price stolen hamburger from a creepy masked dude wearing a black trenchcoat and a tie with hamburgers on it?
Does he just give them away, like fast food Robin Hood?
Even then, isn’t a creepy masked dude wearing a black trenchcoat and a tie with hamburgers on it offering you a free hamburger even weirder than him trying to sell you one?
Does he just want to take down McDonald’s?
Anyway, if he’s this big fancy burger thief, why is he robbing McDonald’s of all places?
Isn’t that kind of like a jewel thief pulling off a heist at the Claire’s in the mall?
Does he work for Burger King or something, as part of the weirdest case of off-the-books corporate espionage in history?
I mean, at least that would explain where he got the money to build his secret hideout, right?
Would there be anything better than a headline on A1 of the New York Times that read “Burger King CEO Arrested After Secret Plot to Fund Hamburger Villain Exposed by Whistleblower?”
We’re all picturing Wilson Fisk from Daredevil as the CEO of Burger King now, yes?
And now we’re all hearing, like, “This city… NEEDS… ORDER… in its fast food restaurants. We must… SIMPLIFY. Only ONE can stand” in Vincent D’Onofrio’s Wilson Fisk voice, yes?
WHAT IF FISK KIDNAPS WENDY FROM WENDY’S NEXT?
What kind of ding dong supervillain gets figured out by his 10-year-old son because he waltzed out of his in-home hideout in his costume with his friggin garage door open?
On that subject, what, pray tell, is going on here?
Did… did he just steal one hamburger?
And is he — a wanted criminal who has apparently warranted like two dozen newspaper articles about his exploits — now filming a message to the public in a McDonald’s parking lot, in broad daylight, in his highly recognizable costume?
How in the world has this guy not been apprehended yet?
Shouldn’t he have been caught, like, by accident by now?
WHERE THE HELL IS RONALD ON THIS ONE?
What if we just go ahead and make this into a gritty, Daredevil-style series called Burger Wars?
With Ronald McDonald as a martial arts expert and former circus performer who roams the city at night to clean up the streets?
Possibly one who uses tiny golden arches with sharpened ends as projectiles that he throws at criminals to pin them to walls by the loose fabric in their shirts and pants?
And who constantly butts heads with the local authorities, who, understandably, don’t trust “the freak” vigilante dressed like a clown?
You would at least check it out, right?
What if I told you that the original version of Grimace was “evil” and had two sets of arms that he used to steal milkshakes?
NOW will you watch?