UPROXX 20: Ari Shaffir Has A Flip Phone And All Of His Friends Hate It

Ari Shaffir is a comedian and the host of Comedy Central’s This is Not Happening. His new standup special, Passive Aggressive, airs tonight on Comedy Central at midnight EST.

Ari was nice enough to take a few minutes out of his busy schedule recently to answer a few questions from us.

1. You walk into a bar. What do you order from the bartender?

It used to be just an amber beer. Then it switched to wine for a while. Now, I’m going Glenlivet on the rocks. I got into whisky at the Comedy Cellar one night with Mark Normand and Phil Hanley. They ordered Bulleit on the rocks. It was pretty smooth. So I try to get stuff like that now. I don’t know the difference between scotch and whisky and bourbon. I just know a couple that I like so far.

2. Who’s your favorite person to follow on Twitter?

I can’t really follow people on Twitter anymore. It’s too addictive. Right now, I’m just following the people who have done This Is Not Happening this season. But I had to stop for years. I wasted so much time on there.

3. What’s currently waiting for you on your DVR/TiVO?

DVR? TiVO? It’s pronounced “DOWNLOAD,” dude. I haven’t had a cable in, like, a decade. But I’m about to watch Better Call Saul‘s episode from Monday.

4. It’s your last meal — what are you going out with?

That’s tough. Either Yat’s in Indy, Mamoud’s next to the Cellar, lock myself overnight in a candy store, Fogo, finally get those Chinese street noodles they make with sewer oil, or the porterhouse at N9ne steakhouse in Vegas.

5. What websites do you visit on a regular basis?, youtube, Libsyn, and all the garbage of Facebook, twitter, and gmail.

6. What’s the most frequently played song on your mobile device?

Dude, I’m gonna be the worst interview. I got a flip phone in December and I don’t have a mobile device any more. Everyone in my life hates it. They look at me like alcoholics look at their friends who decide to quit for a while. And it sucks. It takes me 25 minutes to send four texts. How did people live like this?

7. The first face that comes to mind when you think “punchable”?

It was honestly the line of hotness you’d have to be to get donkey punched during sex. That was the first thing that came to my mind. I don’t stand by that as the best answer, but it popped in there first.

8. What’s the last thing you Googled?

Glenlivet. To see how it was spelled.

9. Dogs or cats?

For sure drugs.

10. Best concert of your life was…?

Flaming Lips at Osheaga, like, three summers ago. Or Nico Vega at the first SSMF in a little side stage at the old Cat Club (I think).

11. What book are you most likely to give as a gift?

The bible, probably. I can get them easily from hotels and they’re a good joke gift. I have never given anyone a book as a gift, though.

12. What’s the nicest thing anyone has ever done for you?

Joe Rogan paid for me to get a psychologist when I had consistent thoughts of suicide. It was, like, 5 years ago. The mental health people that the SAG insurance would pay for all gave up on finding help for me. Like this one woman literally said, “I don’t know what else you want me to tell you.” after I tried 2 different pills. I had given up. I was just working up the courage to finally kill myself when he got me to agree to go to a really good doctor who was super expensive. And the dude worked with me and found me this pill and dosage that completely ended the depression. And the only side effect was occasional light-headedness when I stood up quickly. The whole thing saved my life. I was a complete cunt to be around for probably a year and a half. And he saved my life.

13. South Park or Family Guy?

Please. Why is this even a question any more? Family Guy got terrible five or six years ago. I figured it out, though. You just have to watch the first two act breaks, and then it’s not so bad. They always bore the fuck out of everyone the last third. So just don’t watch it. Who cares what happens? We’re only watching for the jokes.

14. You have an entire day to do whatever you want. What would you do?

Smoke weed e’ryday.

15. What movie can you not resist watching if it’s on?

Pulp Fiction. I just would be late to where I was going unless it was a flight or a spot.

16. The sports team or teams you’re most passionate about?

I want #FuckTheLakers on my gravestone. I’m so happy they’re terrible. I honestly get giddy over it. F*ck that rapist Kobe Bryant and f*ck that tanking, garbage organization and their garbage fair-weather fans. You see, maybe, two of those car window Lakers flags a month now. And don’t worry. They’ll all be out again in 10 years when they start competing again.

17. Where did you eat the best meal of your life?

Bobby Kelly and I were in Denmark for a comedy festival and we went for a 2 1/2 hour lunch experience at Noma. My mom told me about it. It’s supposed to be the highest rated restaurant in the world. It was a crazy food adventure. 27 courses. Stuff garnished with ants. Everything was a brand new experience or taste.

18. The last movie you saw in a theater?

Whiplash. God DAMN I liked that movie. Did you see it? I knew nothing about it going in except the guy from Oz and Juno was in it. People clapped when it ended. For a while. I did, too.

19. Who was your first celebrity crush?

It might’ve been Madonna. Could that be true? Maybe. She was so fucking hot back then. Like, right after the lace on the arms. She started getting super naked everywhere and it was damn hot.

20. What would you cook if Nic Cage was coming to your house for dinner?

F*ck. I would for sure order in or do takeout. Cook? What am I, an adult? Cook. Hahah. Please.

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