Arnold Schwarzenegger is getting ready to take over as host of The Apprentice, replacing some guy I don’t remember whatever he probably isn’t up to anything anyway, and if you’re wondering if NBC is taking this all very, very seriously, the answer is “Yes.” A resounding yes. A resounding, borderline hilarious yes, with elements of secrecy usually reserved for high-level government intelligence reports, like the ones our next president has started receiving, whoever our next president is I should look that up it’s probably fine.
Case in point, the catchphrase. There will be a new catchphrase. There must be a new catchphrase. And not even Arnold himself knows what it is yet. From The Hollywood Reporter:
NBC hopes to further build buzz by playing one hand close to the vest: Schwarzenegger’s version of “You’re fired,” Trump’s indelible diss for 14 seasons, has yet to be revealed. “We narrowed it down to like eight of my sayings from the movies and one other option, but even I don’t know yet,” says Schwarzenegger. Multiple endings were shot for every episode (filming on the Marina del Rey set wrapped in March for all but the live finale), and NBC reality chief Paul Telegdy has gone on record saying heads will roll if the selection leaks before its television debut.
Nine options! Nine! You know you’re a legit action star when you have nine catchphrases. And I love that there are eight from his movies and “one other option.” What do you think that other one is? I hope it’s something awful like “Make like a banana and split.” I would pay good money to hear Arnold say that.
But anyway, yes. The movie lines. That’s what is interesting here. Let’s run down some contenders, shall we?
9. “It’s not a tumor!” — Kindergarten Cop
This will not be the catchphrase. It doesn’t even make sense. I’m only including it because a) obligatory, and b) I just pictured him shouting this at some confused D-list celebrity in the first episode and it made me laugh.
ARNOLD: “It’s not a tumor!”
SANJAYA OR WHOEVER: “So… am I still on the show or…?”
ARNOLD: “I said it’s not a tumor!”
SANJAYA OR WHOEVER OR MAYBE DOG THE BOUNTY HUNTER I DON’T KNOW I’M NOT LOOKING THE CONTESTANTS UP: “So… I should go? I’ll just go.”
8. “Get your ass to Mars.” — Total Recall
Also highly improbable, this time because it’s a deep cut for a network reality show catchphrase. But still, another fun mental image. “Nick Lachey, your fro-yo stand brought in 60 percent less revenue than the competition and your lax refrigeration policies led to a substantial chunk of your product melting on the sidewalk. Get your ass to Mars.”
7. “Stay cool, birdboy.” — Batman and Robin
Please do not forget that Arnold was Mr. Freeze in Batman & Robin and just about every single line of dialogue he had was a pun or a setup to a pun. My word, what a bad movie. And George Clooney was Batman in this one. I hope at least one person responded to Clooney’s legendary Hollywood pranks by sending him a mural-size photograph of him in his nippled Batsuit. I hope it had to be delivered on a flatbed truck.
Anyway, this will not be the catchphrase either, but I might start saying it to people instead of “goodbye.”
6. “You’re fired.” — True Lies
This would be perfect if it hadn’t been used by the last host of the show, who I still can’t remember maybe his name was Ron. It’s not important. Let’s move on.
5. “I’ll be back.” — The Terminator
Let me be clear about two things: One, I am not going to watch a single second of this show. Two, if they use an altered version of this line, like, say, “You will not be back,” I will be so angry that the heat my body generates will be sufficient to melt the soles of my shoes.
4. “F*ck you, asshole.” — Commando and The Terminator
So I stumbled across this fan-made list of top Schwarzenegger movie quotes while putting this list together. It’s interesting because the line “F*ck you, asshole” is on there twice, once at number 44 for Commando and once at number 9 for The Terminator. The next time someone tells you Arnold Schwarzenegger doesn’t have range as an actor, please point out the fact that his delivery of the same line of dialogue was so different that it was separated by 35 spots on this list.
Also, producers of The Apprentice, if you are reading this post, please make “F*ck you, asshole” the catchphrase. I’m begging you.
3. “Get to the chopper!” — Predator
The only way this works is if he fires the person and then the camera follows them out of the boardroom, into the elevator, out onto the roof, into a waiting helicopter, and then off into the sunset. I’m talking one single uninterrupted three-minute shot. To end every episode. Picture a despondent Lacey Chabert or whoever shuffling toward a helicopter while trying to explain why her failed idea for a business where cats walk dogs was ahead of its time, but no one can hear her over the sound of the whooshing propellor. Peak TV, indeed.
2. “That’s for sleeping with my wife!” — The 6th Day
Hmm. It appears I need to amend a few things I said earlier in this post:
- Producers of The Apprentice, if you are reading this post, please do not make “F*ck you, asshole” the catchphrase. Make this the catchphrase. I’m begging you.
- If you do it, I promise to watch every single second of this show.
I apologize for any confusion.
1. “Hasta la vista, baby.” — Terminator 2: Judgment Day
This will definitely be the catchphrase they choose. Obviously. I don’t know why they’re even trying to make this all a thing. All they did was get my hopes up for the other entries on this list, which was both cruel and… kinda worth it, actually.
Okay, fine. You’re forgiven.