TV

Jon Bon Jovi Should Be Using His Time-Travel Powers For Good

It was either ancient Chinese general and philosopher Sun Tzu or Spider-Man’s uncle who said, “With great power comes great responsibility,” but either way, it’s a fair point. In an ideal world, those who possess an ability to help at a higher level should use that ability to better the world, to whatever degree they can. Whether it’s donating money and time to charity, or using influence within the system to help the less fortunate, or whatever. It’s the right thing to do, and it brings me to something that has really been bugging me lately.

Jon Bon Jovi should be using his time-travel powers for good.

By now you’ve surely seen Bon Jovi’s DirecTV commercials, but for the sake of clarity, here’s a quick rundown anyway: A couple is sitting at home watching television. Suddenly, boom, Bon Jovi appears out of thin air, guitar in hand, and begins singing a song about “the power to turn back time” as it relates to recording television shows. To illustrate this, he uses other examples of things one can do with time travel, like buy spicier salsa, or get back with an old lover, or not have a second child, and then he makes all of those things happen.

Two things jump out here:

  • Bon Jovi has either developed the power of teleportation or has become an extremely efficient burglar with the almost ninja-like ability to break into someone’s house and sneak up behind them in their living room without them noticing.
  • Bon Jovi has developed the ability to alter history with the point of a finger.


And if both of these are true, he is really wasting his powers. Think of the good he could be doing. He could be teleporting to burning buildings and un-starting fires. He could be preventing murders. He could, maybe, depending on the strength of his powers, even be wiping history’s greatest monsters out of existence. (“So ya got the power to turn back time, take a trip to the ’20s and poison Hitler’s wine.”) It doesn’t look like it would be particularly hard for him, either. He’s just pointing his finger at things. But no, instead of doing something useful with his powers, he’s out here switching out salsas and hairdos. Dammit, Bon Jovi. Thing about society for once, you selfish prick.

(One other thing worth noting here: It would also be kind of hilarious if he used his powers to become a supervillain, if only for the headlines. “1980s Rock Legend Jon Bon Jovi Teleports Into Fort Knox, Makes Off With $250 Million In Gold Bars.” “Bon Jovi Bandmate And Friend Richie Sambora Says Pal Is ‘Not A Bad Guy,’ Despite International Crime Spree.” “Candidates Agree: Jon Bon Jovi And His Magical Guitar Must Be Stopped.” Murders aside, the whole thing might be worth it just for that.)

Unless… wait. Maybe he’s already doing that. We see him out there disappearing toddlers and wrecking homes, but maybe that’s not him just flippantly tearing families apart. Maybe he’s preventing future crimes and using the role of TV pitchman as a cover. Maybe that toddler who was scribbling on the walls was going to grow up and hijack a plane or put his hair in dreadlocks at college. And maybe that couple he split up was only weeks away from becoming a modern-day Bonnie and Clyde. Bon Jovi could be working for some sort of Minority Report-esque agency for all we know. We need someone to file an FOIA request. I demand to know what Bon Jovi’s end game is here.

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