C’mon Hollywood, Make These Shows: 20 More Pitches for Awful TV Shows

Buckle in, people. It’s time for another round of Danger Guerrero’s patented and exciting TV pitches. A lot has happened since the first edition, only a few weeks ago. First of all, a number of far inferior shows were greenlighted, including: “Big Fat Gypsy Weddings,” two “Jersey Shore” spin-offs, and a show featuring Jake Pavelka, Heidi Montag, and Danielle Staub. Guhhhh. Second, we learned about “Puppies vs. Babies,” possibly the greatest show ever. As excited as I was by this, it meant I had to scrap my idea for “Puppy Wars” — a show consisting solely of pictures of cute puppies, with the audience voting on a winner every week. I was furious.
This time I’m branching out a little to show some range. I’m no one-trick pony, Hollywood executives. After leading off with some reality shows ideas, I’m going to break into TNT/USA style dramas, daytime programming, and even some made-for-TV movies. I won’t rest until I’m hired to run a cable network.

Reality Shows
Summary: A spin-off of Karl Pilkington’s Science Channel travel show “An Idiot Abroad,” starring Spencer Pratt and Heidi Montag from “The Hills.”
Title: An Idiot, A Broad
Summary: An examination of the cultural effect MTV’s “Jersey Shore” has had on Jewish teens in Boca Raton, as they get carried away with the Gym Tanning Laundry (GTL) lifestyle.
Title: 100% Florida Orange Jews
Summary: Twenty people compete against each other in assassination simulations. Contestants can be eliminated either by losing a challenge or by getting “killed” by a fellow competitor. Intrigue, double crosses, movement under the cover of night, and headshots. What not to like?
Title: So You Think You Can Assassinate?
(Note: I would watch this show a million times in a row without bathroom breaks.)
Summary: Teams of douchebags compete in an ice fishing contest. Winners get a lifetime supply of Axe Body Spray and a role in a Miller Lite Commercial.
Title: Friggin’ Iceholes
Summary: Nerdy Information Technology (IT) departments are surprised with lessons on style and dating. Hosted by Brody Jenner and whichever Playmate he happens to be sleeping with at the time.
Title: The IT Factor
Summary: Dozens of gold digging 20-somethings compete for the affections of a married man, who remains masked throughout the entire process to protect his identity.
Title: America’s Next Top Mistress
Summary: A hidden camera show where loudmouthed, boastful idiots are taken out to an expensive restaurant and tricked into eating the spiciest foods on Earth.
Daytime Shows
Summary: After a considerable amount of thought, I’ve been unable to come up with single a reason why I shouldn’t be the one to replace Regis Philbin on “Live With Regis and Kelly” when he leaves at the end of his contract. The only qualifications appear to be: 1) Ability to read newspaper headlines out loud. 2) Enjoying coffee. 3) Being awake by 9AM. I can do that. For HALF of Regis’ $20 million salary.
Title: Live With Danger and Kelly
(Note: Once I get the gig, I will push hard for Tiffani Thiessen to be the first guest. The second guests will be a team of paramedics to revive me.)
Summary: The genre of daytime judge shows reaches its logical conclusion. Nah mean?
Title: Judge Ghostface Killah.
TNT/USA Dramas
Summary: By day, Ken Stapleman is a hard-nosed Philadelphia prosecutor with a near-flawless conviction rate. At night, he becomes the notorious art thief, “Le Sneak.”
Title: Sticky-Fingered Esquire
Summary: Crystal Rackers put herself through optometry school as an exotic dancer. Now she’s trying to put that life behind her as she runs a free eye clinic in a rough Chicago neighborhood and tries to find love.
Title: Crystal Clear
Summary: A cutthroat Wall Street banker is possessed by the ghost of his recently deceased hippie father. Now, he’s playing by SOMEONE ELSE’S rules.
Title: Woodstocks & Bonds
Summary: After both of their straightlaced partners are killed in a freak mustache wax accident, a clerical error results in renegade cops Johnny “Gunshot” Davis and Dex “Knife Tattoo” Morris being teamed up. Now, *record scratch* they’re both the live wire.
Title: Hoodsliders
(Note: For full effect, the theme song really needs to be “Sabotage.”
Summary: “Hoodsliders” spin-off. After news breaks what a staggering success Gunshot and Knife Tattoo’s partnership is, troubled Berkeley police chief Charles Bookbottom decides to try the opposite. He pairs up two senior, Ron Swanson-style, by the book cops, who just transferred from Iowa, to patrol the famously liberal California campus.

Mustache Unit
Summary: To raise money for underprivileged children, a team of young, attractive nuns set up elaborate schemes to grift crooked businessmen.
Title: The CONvent
Summary: Judge Ed “Gator” Barnes put himself through law school by wrestling large reptiles as part of a traveling backwoods carnival. Now, he runs his courtroom by his own set of rules.
Title: Scales of Justice
Summary: Emma Sanders was a high-powered health insurance executive. Then, open heart surgery at age 33 convinced her to quit her job and follow her lifelong dream of opening a matchmaking agency.
Title: Have A Heart
Made For Television Movies
Summary: A Syfy original movie. The sleepy town of New Bridgetonberg is nestled at the foot of the Rockies. Unbeknownst to the townsfolk, some minor seismic activity has shaken three dozen frozen dinosaur eggs loose from a nearby peak. The eggs roll down the mountain, thaw, and hatch at the base. Now the town is overrun by dinosaurs, and only police chief Duke Howitzer (played by Ian Ziering) can save them.
Title: Dinosaur Avalanche
(Thanks to Warming Glow commenter @melgotserved for assistance on this one.)
Summary: Another Syfy movie. After a new species of spider that produces clean, efficient energy is discovered, Congress passes a law protecting them that can only be repealed with 60 votes in the Senate. Little did they know that the spiders were supersmart mutant, nuclear spiders, and would turn on humans once their numbers grew! The spiders attack the Capitol Building, barricading the senators in and picking them off one at a time, knowing that the military can’t act against them while the law is still valid. The senators have to rush to repeal the law while fighting for their lives before 41 of them are killed and society is doomed.
Title: Nuclear Spider Attack
(Note: At the movie’s climax, Senator Ned Spiveyton will reveal himself to be aligned with the spiders, because they’ve offered him a powerful committee position in the new spider government. He will threaten a filibuster to delay the process to give the spiders more time. Then our hero, Senator Brick Tankcommander — a former Navy SEAL — will grab a shotgun and say something like, “I wanna filibuster too…*pumps shotgun*… filla busta fulla lead!” It will be awesome.)
Summary: A Lifetime Original Movie where a woman’s baby is stolen by her abusive husband’s nymphomaniac mistress.
Title: “Give Me Back My Baby, You Slut,” She Screamed
All right, Hollywood executives. I think I’ve demonstrated to you what a serious candidate I am. For God’s sake, NBC let Ben Silverman and Jeff Zucker be in charge of programming. And NBC is an actual network! Sort of! You mean to tell me there’s not some fledgling cable network that could benefit from ideas like the ones in this slideshow? I refuse to believe it.
Have your people call my people.