The home stretch of Game of Thrones is upon us. The Night King is dead and the ice-based threat he represented is gone with him. The various allegiances of the North are working their way toward Cersei in King’s Landing. The Battle for the Seven Kingdoms is about to go down in a big proper way and whoooooops it appears I have started rooting for Euron Greyjoy to end up on the Iron Throne? Wow. That’s weird. I’m not even sure how it happened. But here I am, slowly moving into Team Scoundrel Pirate as we approach the big conclusion. And guess what: I feel great about it.
My reasons are simple and straightforward. First of all, it would be hilarious. People would be so mad. Can you even imagine? Really, can you? Eight seasons of palace intrigue complete with numerous interweaving story arcs that all foreshadow the events taking place as it builds to a climax and then yoink, it’s just Euron, a man who looks and behaves like a guy who borrows his girlfriend’s car to go out and cheat on her. That guy is the king now. The fallout from that, the delicious chaos that would ensue on message boards and social media platforms and possibly even in the streets, would sustain me for months. I don’t know why I’m like this. I enjoy the show quite a bit. I don’t really want it to be ruined. And yet, here I am, cackling at the thought of King Euron the Unshowered.
It’s not totally outlandish, either. There are multiple ways Euron ends up in power, if you’re willing to explore the outer reaches of your mind. Here’s one: With Dany and Jon’s forces diminished after the Battle of Winterfell, he and Cersei and the Golden Company defeat them, and then he marries Cersei, and then he kills her. Boom, king. Here’s another: He buys off the allegiance of the Golden Company and uses them as his own army, double-crossing Cersei and creating a clear path to the throne should he defeat your various Starks and Targaryens. Everything is in flux right now. Plenty of room for double-crossing. You know he’s at least considered both of these options, too. He’s Euron, it’s what he does. Hell, he might push her right out this window on Sunday.
(The biggest obstacle in both of these plans is The Mountain, a literal big obstacle. The undead killing machine is loyal to Cersei and does not appear to like Euron very much. Look at him lurking in the background of that picture. Something will need to be done about this. Best idea I have so far is to do that thing they do to giants in cartoons where a small character will scoot around and between his legs while holding a rope and then pull it tight to knot him up real good. That or, like, a flaming arrow shot from across the room. Probably safer to stay out of his reach. The Viper would agree if his entire head wasn’t crushed like a plum tomato in front of his friends and family.)
It’s not like he’d be that much worse of a choice than the other contenders, either. Oh, he’d be a terrible king. Just dreadful. Please don’t mistake me on this. He’d probably trade an entire winter’s supply of grain for a new amp for his guitar. But while we’re all more sympathetic to one or more of the other candidates, depending on our personal preferences, because we’ve followed them all for so long and seen their growth to get to this moment, everyone else is hopelessly flawed, too. Let’s run down the list quick.
Cersei is a manipulative alcoholic who would rather be feared than loved. Daenerys is descended from madness and has repeatedly used her dragons to execute dissenters (ain’t no First Amendment in Westeros). Jon is a sweet man who means well but should not even be put in charge of one of those vape paraphernalia kiosks in the mall. Arya rules but is more warrior than leader. Sansa has a (pretty understandable!) chip on her shoulder that could make her an unforgiving monarch. Tyrion has been stupid for multiple seasons now. Tormund is a flame-haired maniac who cares only for smashing skulls and flirting with very tall women and, while this makes him at least as qualified as Robert Baratheon was, it’s also not ideal. Bronn, bless his sellsword soul, just wants to be left alone in a castle. There’s no good choice. Might as well steer into the skid.