TV

‘Game Of Thrones’ Death Watch: A Tiny Lord Meets A Fiery End


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The Game of Thrones Death Watch is a weekly roundup of who died and who looks like they might be headed for death, written by me, a person who has not read the books and will go a long, long way to make a very stupid joke. This is what we’re doing here. This is not science. Please do not yell at me.

Season 8, Episode 1 – “Winterfell”

WHO DIED THIS WEEK?

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Sweet little Lord Umber

Poor Ned Umber. Kid lost his family in the Battle of the Bastards, got no credit for being the leader of a House at a young age because he’s sitting right across the yanks from noted thunder-stealer Lyanna Mormont, and now he ended up dead, jammed into a wall with sharp objects running through his torso, surrounded by the Night King’s crab leg spiral symbol, squealing out his last breaths as Tormund “Ol Blue Eyes” Giantsbane and his crew of less-than-merry men set him ablaze out of mercy.

Maybe you have some problems in your life. Maybe you’re a month behind on your student loan payment or maybe your and your partner are going through a rough patch or maybe you’re feeling unfulfilled at your job and looking for a way out. That sucks. I feel for you. But, hey, at least you’re not poor Ned Umber, you know?

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Kid never stood a chance. Rest in… I mean, as much peace as you can, buddy. The way things shook out for you in life, I wouldn’t be surprised if everyone just forgets you and leaves you up on that wall for a few weeks until someone’s all “Wait, did we ever bury Ned?” The worst part will be when they all agree they did and he just stays up there longer.

A few guys who cheated at cards, who perhaps did not actually cheat at cards

Shouts to Euron Greyjoy, charismatic scoundrel and guy who probably cleans out the Take A Penny, Leave A Penny dish at every store he’s ever been to, for stealing large chunks of this episode like they were chests of gold or the heart of a manipulative alcoholic queen. Did he kill these guys, faceless and nameless sailors he brought back as reinforcements, because they cheated at cards? Maybe. Who knows? Probably not. I imagine it was more likely that Euron was cheating at cards and they were like “Hey” and then he just cut their throats.

The takeaway here is to never play cards with a guy who looks like he drives a van his ex-girlfriend let him “borrow” before they broke up but he still hasn’t returned six months after the breakup he caused by sleeping with her best friend in her apartment.

18 goats, 11 sheep

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The season eight premiere was surprisingly funny. The funniest moment was probably Tormund screaming “I HAVE ALWAYS HAD BLUE EYES” as his defense when faced with accusations of being a freshly-minted ice zombie (give me a show about Tormund stumbling into a portal and suddenly finding himself in modern-day Miami), but please don’t sleep on this. The Dothraki warriors reported that the dragons consumed what is basically a barnful of animals and Dany replied “They’re barely eating.” That’s a nice piece of business.

I have no idea how they’ll keep the dragons fed in the North. There are only so many farm animals hanging about. They’re gonna need to try something else. I hear green tea can make you feel full and hold back your appetite a bit. Maybe that could help.

A few guys who did not do a great job of guarding Yara

Man, if you get killed by Theon, especially a Theon Sneak Attack, while guarding his sister, in an enclosed area that appeared to have one point of entry, you probably deserved it. What kind of armed guards are you, anyway? Have some self-respect, guys. Jesus Christ.

WHO MIGHT DIE?

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Jon Sno-… er, Aegon Targaryen (?), based on this look from Drogon

To be clear, I do not think one of the dragons will kill Jon. Not on purpose, at least. It would have been wildly funny if Jon had just fallen off while flying around doing his “A Whole New World” thing with Daenerys and plummeted to his death right there in the premiere, though. As someone who is in this mostly for chaos and the ongoing adventures of my personal heroes Tormund and Bronn, I would have cracked up. I would still be laughing now, I imagine.

So why did I include it in the “Who Might Die?” section. Simple. Because, as of the very moment in that GIF up there, Jon dealing with his new girlfriend’s rowdy teen sons is my favorite part of the show, no contest, by a lot. Look at that face. That is a classic “Listen, you seem like a nice guy, but our mom has been through a lot lately — A LOT — and we’re not going to sit back and let you hurt her, too” face.

I am extremely here for angsty overprotective dragons looking out for the single mom. I hope one of them gets a nose ring.

Euron, based on this look from the Mountain

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I almost feel bad for The Mountain. He just loves killing so much and he has such a good candidate right there in front of him and Cersei won’t let him do it. It’s got to be eating him up inside. He probably spent all night dreaming about killing Euron. He probably woke up thinking about it. Look at those eyes. Or whatever exactly the things in his head are where eyes usually go. Those are murdering eyes. One slip-up, Euron. Just one.

[Cersei walks into the main room to see a Euron dangling from a chandelier by his intestines]

CERSEI: Robert Strong, did you do this to Euron?

THE MOUNTAIN: ggggrrrrbbbblllllggggghhhhh

CERSEI: We talked about that.

THE MOUNTAIN: gggglllllllbbbbbggghrrrrr

CERSEI: This is the last time I’m going to warn you.

THE MOUNTAIN: bbbblllllllggggggrrrrrbbb

CERSEI: Well, it’s a little late for apologies, isn’t it?

Daenerys, based on this look from Sansa

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In a shocking development that has oddsmakers across the globe scrambling, Sansa has somehow overtaken Cersei as the undisputed Westeros champion of harsh-ass stink eye. She was doing it all episode, to Tyrion, to anyone walking around below her balcony, and, most notably, to Daenerys. Sansa is tremendously overmatched in this faceoff, in part because Jon loves Dany and in part because DID YOU NOT READ THE THING ABOUT OVERPROTECTIVE ANGSTY DRAGONS?

Sorry for yelling. I get excited. Keep an eye on this, though, because with the revelation about Jon’s parentage now mostly in the open, we could have a Sansa/Arya vs, Dany battle brewing for the affection of the true king. Can Arya put on a dragon face and become a dragon? Is that a thing she can do? I’m just typing away over here, don’t mind me.

Sansa, based on that look from Sansa

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A very relatable moment here, with the new girlfriend confessing to her boyfriend that she thinks his sister doesn’t like her. We’ve all been there. Family stuff is hard, especially in times of stress.

Of course, there’s also the thing where Dany meant it less like “I just want your family to like me because they’re important to you and you’re important to me” and more like “Future acts of insubordination will be met with punishment.” And if you thought she was just making idle threats, please note the cold, matter-of-fact way she told Sam that she had his father and brother roasted for refusing to bend the knee. This could get ugly quick.

But you know that. You’ve done holidays with the in-laws before. Like I said, relatable.

Tyrion and Jaime, based on just the weirdest ongoing sibling rivalry you’ve ever seen

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Bronn, my sweet immoral champion, my crossbow-firing rascal, my duplicitous swordsman extraordinaire, has been tasked with killing Jaime and/or Tyrion with the crossbow Tyrion used to kill his father while his father was on the toilet, should either of them survive the horde of evil popsicles headed their way, because Cersei always has a backup up plan, especially when it comes to revenge and long-held grudges, and especially when it involves the last two prominent surviving Lannisters.

I think Bronn summed it up pretty well.

Jaime, based on this look from Bran

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[“Curb Your Enthusiasm” theme plays]

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