‘Game Of Thrones’ Death Watch: A Tiny Lord Meets A Fiery End

Editor-at-Large
04.15.19

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The Game of Thrones Death Watch is a weekly roundup of who died and who looks like they might be headed for death, written by me, a person who has not read the books and will go a long, long way to make a very stupid joke. This is what we’re doing here. This is not science. Please do not yell at me.

Season 8, Episode 1 – “Winterfell”

WHO DIED THIS WEEK?

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Sweet little Lord Umber

Poor Ned Umber. Kid lost his family in the Battle of the Bastards, got no credit for being the leader of a House at a young age because he’s sitting right across the yanks from noted thunder-stealer Lyanna Mormont, and now he ended up dead, jammed into a wall with sharp objects running through his torso, surrounded by the Night King’s crab leg spiral symbol, squealing out his last breaths as Tormund “Ol Blue Eyes” Giantsbane and his crew of less-than-merry men set him ablaze out of mercy.

Maybe you have some problems in your life. Maybe you’re a month behind on your student loan payment or maybe your and your partner are going through a rough patch or maybe you’re feeling unfulfilled at your job and looking for a way out. That sucks. I feel for you. But, hey, at least you’re not poor Ned Umber, you know?

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Kid never stood a chance. Rest in… I mean, as much peace as you can, buddy. The way things shook out for you in life, I wouldn’t be surprised if everyone just forgets you and leaves you up on that wall for a few weeks until someone’s all “Wait, did we ever bury Ned?” The worst part will be when they all agree they did and he just stays up there longer.

A few guys who cheated at cards, who perhaps did not actually cheat at cards

Shouts to Euron Greyjoy, charismatic scoundrel and guy who probably cleans out the Take A Penny, Leave A Penny dish at every store he’s ever been to, for stealing large chunks of this episode like they were chests of gold or the heart of a manipulative alcoholic queen. Did he kill these guys, faceless and nameless sailors he brought back as reinforcements, because they cheated at cards? Maybe. Who knows? Probably not. I imagine it was more likely that Euron was cheating at cards and they were like “Hey” and then he just cut their throats.

The takeaway here is to never play cards with a guy who looks like he drives a van his ex-girlfriend let him “borrow” before they broke up but he still hasn’t returned six months after the breakup he caused by sleeping with her best friend in her apartment.

18 goats, 11 sheep

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The season eight premiere was surprisingly funny. The funniest moment was probably Tormund screaming “I HAVE ALWAYS HAD BLUE EYES” as his defense when faced with accusations of being a freshly-minted ice zombie (give me a show about Tormund stumbling into a portal and suddenly finding himself in modern-day Miami), but please don’t sleep on this. The Dothraki warriors reported that the dragons consumed what is basically a barnful of animals and Dany replied “They’re barely eating.” That’s a nice piece of business.

I have no idea how they’ll keep the dragons fed in the North. There are only so many farm animals hanging about. They’re gonna need to try something else. I hear green tea can make you feel full and hold back your appetite a bit. Maybe that could help.

A few guys who did not do a great job of guarding Yara

Man, if you get killed by Theon, especially a Theon Sneak Attack, while guarding his sister, in an enclosed area that appeared to have one point of entry, you probably deserved it. What kind of armed guards are you, anyway? Have some self-respect, guys. Jesus Christ.

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