Hot damn, that was certainly an episode, wasn’t it? Daenerys went full firebombing of Dresden on us. I quite liked it. Certainly I could quibble with a few of the choices, and notably the suddenly invincible dragon (dragon ex machina!), but they’re mostly criticisms of the two previous episodes.
In this episode, the dragon worked about how you’d imagine. It was the last couple trying to artificially stretch this confrontation out and chip away at Daenerys that had to bend space and time to fit the narrative outline. Ignoring those, this episode was mostly solid. But hey, enough reviewing.
Euron Greyjoy Outfit Watch
Say what you will about Euron not getting enough character development, his outfits are always on point. Is that… a star-covered leather motorcycle tunic? Cinched with a jaunty belt? Hell yeah, dude. I’m pretty sure I don’t have the body type to pull that off, but if I did, and assuming I had the confidence and job situation that would allow it, like being the flamboyant leader of a fleet of medieval pirates, say, I would totally wear that. Just a great, great tunic all around.
Down: Euron Greyjoy
Not a ton of foresight, this one. Somehow he knew the town was lost (and presumably his girlfriend lost with it, and wouldn’t screwing her have lost its appeal for him once it was clear she wouldn’t be a queen?) and everything had gone sideways, but he still prioritized killing his girlfriend’s ex over his own life. Man, the ironborn really are miserable bastards, aren’t they? And to think, Euron is the fun-loving one.
Euron landed what seemed like two fight-ending stabs in the fight, but got cocky and didn’t twist the knife. It cost him. Rookie move. With these screenwriters? You fight a major character in this show, you better make damn sure he’s dead.
Anyway, it’s a shame (kind of) to lose Euron. He didn’t do a ton for the story but I did love that actor. (*checks Google*) Pilou Asbaek. Yep, that’s his name. He would’ve made a much better new Daario than the indie band guy. Seems like they could’ve folded Daario back into this story (I had to look it up, but apparently Daario is back in Mereen with the Second Sons. They kind of botched that whole storyline when they cut out Griff, Quentyn Martell, Strong Belwas, etc. back in season five).
RIP, Pilaf Assbeef.
Up: Daenerys Targaryen
Let us go now to our live look at Daenerys Targaryen:
You’re tearing me apart, Khaleesi!
Women, am I right? See, this is why you can’t trust them to lead. I kid, I kid. (Maybe the message is not to trust Armenians?). I actually like the “embittered liberator becomes psychotic tyrant” storyline, and especially the way it takes the air out of the concept of “righteous” war. Absolute power corrupts absolutely and whatnot. Corrupts women, anyway.
You have to wonder what happened between in the last episode and this one that made her so much better at flying her dragon. In the last episode, she was getting sniped out of the sky by one or two scorpions, then flying straight at them while shrieking before beating a hasty retreat. This week she managed to lay waste to an entire fleet, weapons battery, and eventually an entire city, simply through the novel tactic of… uh… just circling around behind them, I guess? Did she really have to be pissed off to consider trying that one? Did we miss the dragon tactics seminar?
I hope this entire episode is forgotten by next week. The show ends with Daenerys chuckling happily with her handful of remaining advisors. “Boy, I really overreacted there, didn’t I? Ha ha ha ha, war, am I right? Anyhoo, pass the lamprey cake.”
Down: Lord Varys
(“In retrospect, openly plotting the overthrow of a queen living one room over from me was probably a mistake.”)
If this show failed any character from the books, it has to be Lord Varys. Varys ended the books (book spoilers to follow) having just killed Kevan Lannister with a crossbow, surrounded by his army of knife-wielding spykids who just carried out the murder of Maester Pycelle. In the show, we see one spy kid uselessly fetching him some wine while he gets halfway done with a letter. “To Whome It Maye Concern, Jon Snowe is the real king, okay gotta go” (*gets burnt to death*)
You’re telling me the “lord of spiders” and “master of whispers'” strategy for concealing his courtly intrigue was “just cover the letter with your arms if anyone walks in?” How did this guy ever survive the Mad King?
I did appreciate the sweet moment between Tyrion and Varys just before the execution though.
VARYS: Goodbye, old friend.
TYRION: I’m sorry, man. You were always so wise. Helped me believe in myself. Honestly, just a top, top eunuch all around. And who knows? Maybe she’ll be merciful. This is the breaker of chains we’re talking about h–
(*gets gruesomely burnt to death*)
Down: Jon Snow
You really fucked this whole thing up, didn’t you? These Starks, they just love to virtue signal while ruining absolutely everything. First, Jon tells his sisters who he really is after promising Dany not to, and this week he can’t even give an angry queen one measly orgasm for the good of the realm. Whatever happened to “that thing that lords do with their mouths?” Tormund would disavow the friendship if he saw Jon leaving a lady in the lurch like that. Give the queen some head, Jon Snow, what the hell is wrong with you?
Though I guess we have to give him a little credit for not answering Dany’s question “…is that all I am to you?” with “…well, you’re also my aunt. Anyway, wanna bone?”
Up: Grey Worm
He had his dick and balls cut off as a youth and the love of his life murdered in front of him, I think we can forgive a little reprisal killing.
Down: Sandor Clegane
THE CLEGANE BOWL IS FINALLY HERE! You know how sometimes you hate your brother so much that you’d rather die than let him live? Boy, am I suddenly glad to be an only child. Oh well, it ended the way it had to, I suppose. It was about as satisfying as the death of a beloved character can be.
He ate all the chickens
“Knights who name their swords are cunts.”
It probably makes me hopelessly basic, but that final Sandor-Arya scene really did it for me.
Down: Arya Stark
This is now two back-to-back episodes where face-swapping powers really would’ve come in handy. And yet once again Arya’s chief skills seem to be dodging falling rocks and hiding from stuff. Why did we spend an entire season studying at the house of black and white again? What’s she going to do with that white horse now?
Dang, I was really thinking this could be a big role for you. He looked good in the armor, you have to give him that.
Down: Maester Qyburn
That was one of the most enjoyable death scenes since the Mountain vs. The Red Viper. It just goes to show, just because you almost single-handedly turned the entire war in your favor through dark magic and engineering skills doesn’t mean you won’t die suddenly trying to order around an 8-foot-tall zombie. Robert Strong don’t take requests.
RIP, Qyburn. Cersei never deserved him. But Lord, I do love an abrupt death.
For the cynical clever guy, Tyrion really turned into a sentimental old bitch this season, didn’t he? Did he really think this releasing-Jaime-on-the-eve-of-the-big-battle plan was going to work? Has Jaime ever accomplished anything on this show? Did we not learn an important lesson about “appealing to Cersei’s better nature” last episode? And did we not learn an important lesson about freeing important hostages in season one? Anyway, have fun feeding the dragons, dumbass.
Unless somehow he escapes with Bronn. Spinoff?
Down: Jaime Lannister
You know how sometimes it seems like the world is collapsing all around you and all you want to do is bone your sister? We’ve all been there. Say what you will about Jaime, he’s really good at recovering from seemingly fatal stab wounds.
RIP, Jaime. He’s doing incest to the angels now.
One thing we never talk about: How the hell does Cersei know she’s pregnant? Did Qyburn invent an ultrasound? “I’m pregnant” seems like something you just tell your brother so he’ll keep banging you. But I guess now we’ll never know.
RIP, Cersei. On brand till the end.
Down: Bran Stark
Useless ass Starks. Another week of Bran not doing a damn thing while the world burns. Where’d you send the crows, Bran? WHERE ARE THE CROWS, BRAN.
Brienne, Tormund, Pod, Bran, Bronn, Sansa, Davos (sort of), Sam. I was really hoping they’d do more with Pod this season. I still have my fingers crossed for Davos though. Get it? That was a severed-finger joke.
I think this is finally the week where they introduce Griff and Strong Belwas!