‘The Lesson Is Never Try’: Homer Simpson’s 15 Most Indispensible Parenting Quotes

As the voice of Homer Simpson, Dan Castellaneta has brought us countless moments of mirth over the years. Today, on his 57th birthday, let’s look at some of Homer’s best quotes on the subject of parenting. These should make you a better father instantly.

1. “You tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is never try.”

From “Burns Heir,” telling Bart and Lisa the harsh truth about the world.

2. “To Lisa: never forget your daddy loves d’oh!”

From “Lisa’s Sax,” Homer’s inscription on Lisa’s saxophone.

3. “But I was using my whole ass!”

From “Grampa Vs. Sexual Inadequacy,” when Bart calls out his “half-assed over-parenting.”

4. “The key to parenting is don’t overthink it. Because overthinking leads to … what were talking about?”

From “Insane Clown Poppy,” when Krusty asks Homer for advice on being a parent.

5. “Kids are the best; you can teach them to hate the things you hate. And they practically raise themselves, what with the internet and all.”

From “Eight Misbehavin’,” telling Apu how great kids are.

6. (after Marge says raising Bart and Lisa was initially difficult) “Then we figured out we could park them in front of the TV. That’s how I was raised, and I turned out TV.”

From “Behind The Laughter,” explaining how television made raising a family much easier.

7. “And my dream is to get rid of Bart. How many lives must you ruin?!”

From “New Kids On The Blecch,” when Bart wants to leave to tour with his boy band the Party Posse.

8. “Marriage is like a coffin, and each kid is another nail.”

From “How I Spent My Strummer Vacation.” Amazingly he was trying to smooth things over with this one. It went about as well as you would expect.

9. “It’s like I always say, a kid can learn more in an airport than he can in any school.”

From “The Joy Of Sect,” when he takes Bart to the airport to see the football team come home from the championship.

10. “And that horrible act of child abuse became one of our most beloved running gags.”

From “Behind The Laughter,” reflecting on how his choking of Bart somehow found its way into our hearts.

11. Homer: “Oh my god, I don’t know jack about my boy! I’m a bad father!” Selma: “You’re also fat!” Homer: “I’m also fat!”

From “Saturdays Of Thunder,” getting a harsh dose of reality.

12. “Lisa, come back before everyone finds out what a horrible father I am!”

From “Lisa The Vegetarian,” begging Lisa to come home after she runs away. As for him being a horrible father, the ship may have already sailed on that point.

13. “Well, it’s 1 AM. Better go home and spend some quality time with the kids.“

From “The Springfield Files,” always putting the family first.

14. “I think the saddest day of my life was when I realized I could beat my Dad at most things, and Bart experienced that at the age of four.”

From “Moaning Lisa,” explaining why beating Bart at video boxing is so important.

15. “Why you little!”

He pretty much says this in every episode, while engaging in that aforementioned act of child abuse.