How We Should Have Been The Mother: The Ted Mosby Girlfriend Power Rankings

Senior Pop Culture Editor
04.17.13 44 Comments

After dozens of misdirections and missed connections, the titular mom will FINALLY (probably) be revealed during the season eight finale of How I Met Your Mother. That episode airs on May 13th, but until then, it’s no use guessing who she is because 1) nearly 200 episodes of How I Met Your Mother is ridiculous, and 2) really, almost 200 EPISODES? Anyway, I’m one of the few people who’s still watching (and occasionally enjoying) the show, so I’ve seen all the random one night stands, would-be soul mates, and almost-prostitutes Ted’s been involved with over the years. So I feel vaguely qualified to present: The Ted Mosby Girlfriend Power Rankings.

The criteria is simple: using the extremely helpful “List of Ted’s romances” Wiki page, I’ve ranked 30 of Ted’s lady loves since season 1 by both how much I wish they were the mom, so that they’d be around more during season nine, but also by how not-awful of a person they are. The Mother and Robin are exempt because, obviously and also we know “Aunt” Robin doesn’t end up with Bob Saget. We begin with one of Ted’s, to quote Lily, “random skanks.”

#30. Strawberry

Pro: Vegetarian, so she doesn’t eat at Arby’s

Con: Dislikes meat eaters so much that she’ll throw blood on them and scream, “MEAT IS MURDER.”

#29. Karen

Pro: Still well spoken even as a senior citizen, I guess?

Con: Will cheat, will criticize, will always be a pretentious monster

#28. Lizbeth

Pro: Likes lasagna

Con: Hates everything else because she’s so TORTURED and DEEP, might be Garfield in disguise

#27. Royce

Pro: Loves to laugh?

Con: Professional gambler, lives with her brother, sleeps with her brother, paid money to see The Wedding Bride

#26. Jeanette

Pro: Dedicated girlfriend, passionate lover, if anything cares too much, is a policewoman so you can run red lights

Con: Cares WAY too much, stalker, prone to throwing beloved items out windows

#25. Stacey

Pro: Slaps people who say “bro” unironically

Con: Plays bass in a reggae band, probably had white girl dreadlocks at some point

#24. Jen

Pro: Might be Ellen May in disguise, minus the drug addiction

Con: Literally so unmemorable that one might forget they already went on a blind date with her

#23. Blah Blah

Pro: World of Warcraft player

Con: On the wrong side of the hot/crazy scale, sells handbags online, Bellevue Hospital patient

#22. Holli

Pro: Kind of looks like Minka Kelly?

Con: Isn’t named “Holly”

#21. Mary

Pro: Paralegal at a successful company

Con: Easily mistaken for a prostitute

#20. Vicky

Pro: Makes you realize the importance of spending your life with a half-decent person

Con: Jerk to waiters, jerk to bus boys, jerk to old people, jerk to everyone really

#19. Becky

Pro: Bubbly, fun, exuberant, bouncy, perky, gleefulness of a five-year-old…

Con: …all things that get annoying after about five minutes

#18. Molly

Pro: An Ohio 10 (OK, a 10 everywhere)

Con: Usually not a good idea to marry the person you lost your virginity to, lives in Ohio

#17. Zoey

Pro: Can introduce you to The Captain, means well

Con: Saving the environment gets tiring after awhile, always carries a recorder around

#16. Marybeth

Pro: Is cool with spending New Year’s Eve with your friends

Con: Gives off signals that seem to say let’s go on a date, actually say let’s be friends.

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