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Mapping The Bizarre Dating History Of Alexis Rose On ‘Schitt’s Creek’

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Alexis Anna Emma Hannah Elspeth Something Rose from the Emmy-nominated Schitt’s Creek is the OG international woman of mystery.

This globetrotting socialite, former child actor, former teen model, businesswoman, PR manager, and one-time star of a critically reviewed, limited reality series A Little Bit Alexis, has a list of lovers as long and diverse as her many enterprises. She’s a student of love, in all its forms, dating shipping heirs and high-profile celebrities, sultan’s nephews and Thai drug lords, and she has much to teach us mere mortals when it comes to the art of romance.

Here’s an extensive (but not exhaustive) list of the many paramours of the woman who US Weekly once-lauded as “up for anything.” Eat your heart out Taylor Swift.

Ted Mullins
Good ol’ Ted Mullins grows on ya. He certainly did on Alexis, who, despite being attracted to his swoon-worthy looks, found him a bit too nice and safe to spark any true passion. When you’ve romped with drug lords and diamond smugglers, a clean-cut animal lover in scrubs who decorates his home like a showroom model just won’t cut it. Luckily for those who shipped Alexis and Ted, after the two broke up, the good doctor went through a transformation. He grew some scruff. He bought a motorcycle. And he returned to town like the vet version of a Sons of Anarchy character. That was all it took to pull Alexis back into his orbit and convince her to run away to the Galapagos with him.

Mutt Schitt
The town hippie first caught Alexis’ eye at a trucker party (read: tailgating party). He had that undeniable unwashed air about him, the hitchhiker burning meat over a garbage can vibe that was nearly irresistible. The pair’s sexual tension mounted with every compost and court-ordered community service clean up until they consummated their passion with a rain-soaked tryst in Mutt’s barn. Then he went and shaved his beard and all was lost.

Stavros The Shipping Heir Playboy
When we first meet Alexis Rose, she’s going through a rough time. Her family’s fortune has disappeared, the FBI is seizing her handbags, and her billionaire boyfriend is clubbing it up overseas – to his credit, he would’ve totally rescued Alexis if Mary-Kate Olsen wasn’t hogging his private jet. There were plenty of red flags with this dude – he abandoned her on a trip to Rio, he asked her dad to do lines with him at his 60th birthday bash, he gifted her his ex-wife’s engagement ring, he stored Molly in her car’s glove compartment – but the final straw in this tumultuous love affair was when he attended Diddy’s white party without her. The lesson: never date an escort-hiring womanizer who likes girls with toe-rings.

The Saudi Prince
When you’re a cultured socialite and former teen model, your life often takes you to exotic locales and introduces you to all kinds of foreign lotharios. For Alexis, these torrid romances burned hot, then fizzled out after her love interests got a bit too needy, like when a Saudi Prince held her hostage in his palace as she desperately tried to reach an embassy. To be fair, it was the longest relationship Alexis had if you count the two months in captivity.

The Thai Drug Lord
If you don’t want to hear the tale of how your teenaged daughter bribed a Thai drug-lord with sex to escape the back of his trunk, maybe you shouldn’t play childish games with real-life consequences. The Roses try to connect with each other in season one because… poverty, I guess, and Johnny is less-than-pleased to hear Alexis’ “Two Truths And A Lie” scenario but, really, there was nothing to worry about. As Alexis says, “Aroon was a lovely gentleman until he ran out of money.”

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