Through six seasons of The League, one thing has become crystal clear: what Taco lacks in football knowledge, he makes up for with business skills. Yes, those business skills are fueled by copious amounts of weed and are often unethical, unprofitable and downright deplorable, but what would you expect from a man who keeps a guest bong in every room of his brother’s house? Taco MacArthur’s zany business ideas are similar in their absurdity to those of Cosmo Kramer, which shouldn’t come as a surprise considering that The League‘s co-creator, Jeff Schaffer, was a writer on Seinfeld.
Nearly all of Taco’s business ventures die an embarrassing death — which shouldn’t come as a surprise from a man who makes his own deodorant and whose concept of sales is ripping people off — but they have a certain demented appeal. With today being Jon Lajoie’s birthday and the final season of The League closing in, let’s look back at the stoner brilliance that Taco Corp has churned out thus far.
Taco’s idea of starting a subscription-based tie swapping service isn’t a terrible one — however, stealing a bunch of ties from his friends and a church wasn’t the best business move. The idea was alluring enough for a couple of tie-wearing bros to steal Taco Corp’s idea and go on Shark Tank to pitch their own version with TieTry. TieTry eventually merged with the tie-swapping service FreshNeck, undoubtedly stealing the clientele that Taco minimally worked to build up with Neckflix.
Three Penis Wine
What other purveyor of alcoholic penis beverages out there can claim “all penis, no balls”? None! That’s a promise that only Taco Corp can make. Taco’s commitment to crafting the finest penis wine from his bathtub sets him above the rest, though, it raises a lot of health concerns at the same time. It doesn’t promise that you’ll have the sexual virility of three penises, but it doesn’t claim you won’t either. “Three penises, plus your mouth, equals happiness.” Can’t argue with a slogan like that.
A notary service actually makes a lot of sense for Taco: it’s easy to perform and requires minimal responsibility. He still somehow manages to screw it up though, mainly because he didn’t understand the purpose of a notary and used it as a stamp to meet women and put the homeless in Kevin’s house. In the end, El Notaro is called out on his Venezuelan scheme, and Ruxin gets screwed over in the process.
I’m not sure that Taco’s idea of an orgasmic horse ringtone would have brought in the big bucks, but there would probably be a small handful of weirdos/middle schoolers out there downloading it. Of course, the tricky issue is getting that horse to produce the perfect orgasm that equals ringtone gold. Some ideas are just too good to be true.
Taco’s ownership of The Dallas Cowboys website
Snatching up dallascowboys.com after the domain lapses is undoubtedly the most brilliant business move Taco’s ever made. Sure, he plans to use it for his failing business of singing cowboys who only deliver bad news, but the important thing is Jerry Jones wants that domain and Taco Corp holds the cards. This all amounts to great news for the crew, as Jerry agrees to fly them out for Cowboys training camp and negotiates the buy of his website domain for a cool $250k.
I can see Pubercuts thriving in a city like Las Vegas or the San Fernando Valley, anywhere with a healthy population of strippers and pornstars. Taco’s run plenty of businesses from inside his van, but Pubercuts might just be the weirdest. It’s easy to criticize Pubercuts as being trashy or gross, but remember this is a business that cares enough to donate its leftovers to be made into wigs for the sickly. It’s a noble cause, albeit a very gross one, too.
Breast Awareness isn’t so much a business venture for Taco Corp, but a foray into the nonprofit world and a shameless reason for Taco to talk about boobs. Foolishly, a breast cancer support group invites Taco to do a presentation that quickly unravels right around the part when he describes using buttermilk for breast shining.
The EBDB and EBDBBnB
Taco’s Eskimo Brother lifestyle has allowed him to coast through life perpetually stoned and with little responsibility. Rather than just be one of many Eskimo bros simply using the system, he’s made it his life’s goal to improve it and give back to those that he shares sexual partners with. Granted, the Eskimo Brothers Data Base mostly only benefits Taco, but his goal of connecting the world “one bone at a time” is to be applauded for its stupidity.
His EBDBBnB is more of a poorly run brothel than a traditional bed and breakfast, and likely a petri dish of undiscovered STDs waiting to happen. Its practice of videotaping all guests can’t bode well for its TripAdvisor ratings either.
MyFace was one of Taco Corp’s earliest business ventures and the poorest effort yet. Taco isn’t a man of social media — probably a good thing for all of social media — so he takes to creating his own network with bulletin boards and yarn. It doesn’t serve much purpose, except for giving Rafi a platform for making every crude social media reference possible. Come to think of it, that alone makes it a success.
Winner of four Michelin tires, Taco’s Truck is a Chicago culinary must for food lovers who don’t mind unsanitary eating conditions. The lack of tacos or any Mexican fare whatsoever on a food truck with “Taco” in its name is easy to overlook when you factor in its abundance of Three Penis Wine.
A petting zoo for kids isn’t the worst idea in the world, except that Taco’s petting zoo isn’t so much a friendly place for kids and animals to interact as it is a “mobile pet cemetery.” Taco’s first mistake was porning it up with the name Heavy Petting, but the real downfall here is that be believes “puppy” to be an actual dog breed and filled his petting zoo with a bunch of crippled, half blind mongrels that likely have a rap sheet filled with kid biting offenses.