The Ted Lasso Power Rankings are a weekly analysis of who and/or what had the strongest performance in each episode. Most of the list will feature individual characters, although the committee does reserve the right to honor anything from animals to inanimate objects to laws of nature to general concepts. There are very few rules here.
Season 3, Episode 3 — “4-5-1”
HONORABLE MENTION: Dani Rojas (quite frankly, I do not like the influence Zava is having on him); landlines (good Lord, we used to just call people and have no clue who would answer); Keeley (media training these goofs must be fun); Isaac (a very intense man); Kintsugi (the art of mending broken things with gold… feels like a metaphor): Higgins (the glue); Will Kitman (a sweet boy); cheating at Wordle (have some honor, for the love of God); Dr. Jacob Bryanson (already hate him); Nate (livid that Ted is having more success, which remains unhealthy); Rupert (showed up for two seconds and shouted a cuss word, which is pretty efficient); montages of winning streaks (love them)
10. (tie) Colin (LAST WEEK: Unranked)
Toughest ranking on the board this week. On one hand, things are… not great for Colin. He got benched in favor of Zava and his spot on the roster is in flux and, more importantly, the closeted double life he’s been leading might be in danger of blowing up after Trent saw him smooching his boyfriend (“wingman”) in an alley outside Sam’s new restaurant. None of that is, like, great. Things could get bleak for Colin going forward, if only because the things he wanted people to see him as — starting forward; virile heterosexual; strong and capable man — could all be torched at once. That’s a lot for anybody to handle.
On the other hand, though, I feel like this could be good in the long run. Hiding like that is stressful and just generally unhealthy. Some of that depends on how Trent handles all of this information. We’ll get to that in a minute.
10. (tie) Rebecca (LAST WEEK: 2)
Good news and bad news for Rebecca this week…
GOOD: The brilliant goal-scoring diva she negged into joining the team through a strategy best summed up as “cussing in a bathroom” is leading the team on a winning streak that had them rocketing up the standings. Rupert is livid, which is always fun for her. She looked incredible in her fancy dress at dinner. Not bad on those fronts.
BAD: Her mother’s weirdo psychic appears to have nailed the green matchbook thing and that’s going to send Rebecca into a little tailspin for a while, especially given the cussing and shouting she did on the way out of her… house? Office? I don’t really know how psychics designate these things. Their taxes must be a mess.
9. Ted (LAST WEEK: 7)
Hmm. Generally not a great thing when your former marriage counselor is now dating your wife and hanging out with your son and you’re sitting alone at night in another country cyberstalking all of them on social media while slugging scotch. It would probably be better if he stopped doing that so much.
The winning streak is nice, though… I guess. But even that’s not super sustainable either. The Zava thing is going to get messy soon and he’s going to have to handle it. That will not be fun. Ted is having problems.
8. Trent Crimm (LAST WEEK: 8)
Trent Crimm has some decisions to make here. The journalist in him might have seen Colin mid-smooch in the alley and processed it as a scoop. “Famous soccer player secretly closeted gay man” could move some tabloids. But also… he’s writing a book about the team and might be seeing the narrative arc of Colin’s story — see above, re: benched and closeted — develop in his head as a juicy way to sell more copies. But also… Trent seems like a decent enough dude that he wouldn’t just out someone in public without their consent. I don’t know. I don’t think Trent does either.
My suspicion, because this show is this show, is that Trent will do the honorable thing and maybe tell Colin he saw him but let Colin make the decision on coming out himself. I hope so. Maybe. I would hate to have to hate Trent Crimm.
7. Shandy Fine (LAST WEEK: Unranked)
Shandy is:
- A good friend who is protective of Keeley
- Very direct, in a kind of intimidating way
- Willing to run around with her shirt off to provide a distraction
We like Shandy.
6. Sam (LAST WEEK: Unranked)
I think it would be fun to stand up in front of your friends and coworkers and shout “EVERYONE IS INVITED TO MY RESTAURANT.” I’ve never gotten to do it, mostly because I have never had a restaurant to invite people to. Which is probably for the best. I would be very bad at running a restaurant. I can’t cook and I am bad at balancing finances. We would be out of business in weeks. There would be so much wasted food. I would probably get desperate and do the thing in wacky sitcoms where I order food from somewhere else and try to pass it off as my own and get caught when someone is like “wow, this tastes just like the lasagna at Louie’s” and I tug on my collar and gulp like a very guilty man. Trent Crimm would really have a scoop then. No, I’ll just stick to blogging.
Good for Sam, though.
5. Roy (LAST WEEK: 3)
Three Roy things worth noting:
ONE: The stuff with Jamie is cute because Roy himself dealt with being the best player on a team and then just… not being that anymore, so he is uniquely suited to train Jamie on this.
TWO: He didn’t frown. He just never smiled. It’s different.
THREE: Freaking adorable that he offered to do an interview if it would help Keeley.
The Grinch’s heart continues to grow. Roy is in danger of becoming a sweetheart. Not, like, soon. But someday. Maybe. He still does growl a lot.
4. Tish the Psychic (LAST WEEK: Unranked)
Nailed the matchbook thing. Has some nice bowls. Appears to have arguments with spirits that are all talking to her at once. We like her.
I want her to give everyone on the team a reading. I can’t decide who would react the funniest to it. Isaac would hate it. Roy would curse and grumble. Jamie would be into it, I bet. Beard would start talking to spirits, too. The only thing I know for certain is that it would shake Dani Rojas to his core.
3. Zava (LAST WEEK: 9)
Notes on Zava:
- I loved watching him mangle metaphors in Rebecca’s office, from “I am an empty vessel filled with gold” (so… not empty) to “I am your rock. Mold me” (rocks… cannot be molded) and I kind of want to read a self-help book he writes and self-publishes
- Really nice touch setting the Zava montage to Jesus Christ Superstar
- Am… am I the only one who finds it hilarious that the egomaniac athlete who looks like he does ayahuasca in a tent in the off-season kind of resembles Aaron Rodgers?
Lots to consider here.
2. Jamie (LAST WEEK: Unranked)
Jamie should be ranked lower. He’s pouting a lot and whining about Zava and having a kind of existential crisis about who he is if he’s not the best player on the team. He had a very pretty goal stolen from him when Zava snaked around and poked it in. He’s a sad little boy and his haircut doesn’t help.
But…
It remains really funny to me that he’s secretly smart and good at using language. Him correcting Beard on the irony/hypocrisy thing and correcting Roy on the pre-Madonna business was a good time. I want them all to do pub trivia someday and watch him wipe the floor with everyone. Let him go on Jeopardy. I bet he pronounces it Jeopard-eh. Dammit. I went and talked myself into needing to see something that will never happen. I do that more than I would like to admit. Never ends well.
1. Coach Beard (LAST WEEK: 1)
A fascinating man.
