Can you fang bangers believe it? Only two episodes remaining in this long, magical journey they call True Blood. To only call it long is an understatement, because even at seven seasons, this series feels like it has lasted an eternity, which would be a good thing if that wasn’t merely because this final season alone has been agonizing in terms of how little storytelling has been done. Still, sitting on the cusp of the final episode and the end of this televised look at life and death in Bon Temps, Louisiana, I can’t help but feel a little sad that it’s all going away and leaving us with, well, whatever is next.
In the meantime, let’s head into the action of this week’s episode, “Love is to Die,” and try to ignore the fact that Violet joined Alcide in the “Really? That’s how you’re tying off that storyline?” category last week, as we move on with the only questions that are really left – Will Bill allow his friends to cure his Hep-V and which female character will Jason Stackhouse fall asleep in inside of when this long, ridiculous game of horny roulette finally ends? At this point, it could be Sookie and I’d say, “Yeah, that’s about right.”
Let’s bite on True Blood‘s “Love is to Die,” shall we?
True or False: Pam has a significantly different expectation of a “compelling character drama” than we do.
Of all of Pam’s lines ever spoken in this series, the “compelling character drama” quip had me laughing the hardest, because you could almost see the writers holding their middle fingers in the air. Whether intentional or not, that’s the kind of irony that makes this stupid ending all the more worthwhile.
True or False: Bill has accepted his fate.
As we already knew from the end of last week’s episode, Bill wants his True Death, and obviously Jessica and Sookie aren’t taking that very well. Jessica asked for her release and Bill granted it to her in a semi-sweet scene that could have been a little more heartwarming had Anna Paquin’s acting not been involved in it. Nevertheless, it says everything that needs to be said that the only thing I thought by the time that this scene wrapped up was whether or not Jessica was inheriting Bill’s wealth and manor, because that makes her all the more eligible as a free vampire. She’s like the Elin Nordegren of bloodsucking.
True or False: Anna Paquin won an award for acting once.
An Academy Award at that. And yet the best she can give us for the second-to-last episode of this series that she always claims to be so proud of is the dramatic spinning head to a man’s chest that was perfected in silent romance films.
True or False: Of course Sookie went running for Sam, because Sam’s dumb door is always open.
Too bad he wasn’t home. For a second, I really thought that Sam would be sitting on his big, dumb couch with his big, dumb mopey face staring at a wall, wondering why he let his pregnant girlfriend leave town without him, but thank Lilith he took off, too. Of course, it is Sam, so he could do something stupid in the car ride out of Bon Temps, like moping so much that Nicole leaps from the moving vehicle, because she knows that it’s better than spending another day with Sam’s emo ass, and that would ultimately lead him back to Sookie, but for now it seems like he’s gone, and just letting him ride out without saying goodbye to anyone is equal parts hilariously shitty for Sam Trammell and his time on the show and awesome for the sake of just getting things wrapped up.
Also, Sam vanishing at least gave me lukewarm hope that Sookie and Jessica would end up together.
True or False: The rest of the remaining two episodes is completely pointless if Bill wants to die.
This final season has been basically nothing but a long, drawn out orgy of goodbyes with as minimal action and excitement sprinkled in as possible. For Bill to just be accepting death, even as we all know this can’t be it, is a complete waste of time, because for all that this character has been through, he should be aiming to achieve glory in his True Death. THE GUY WAS A VAMPIRE GOD ONE SEASON AGO!!! How the hell is he suddenly just letting himself die when he can at least help save Sarah Newlin from the Yakuza with Eric and turn her loose to the sick vampire population as his last act as a leader of all vampires?