TV Gourmet: Making Food and Drinks from ‘Archer’

Previously on TV Gourmet: we prepared meals from “Happy Endings,” “The Simpsons,” “It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia,” “Freaks and Geeks,” and “30 Rock.” Today, we’re focusing on FX’s “Archer,” which just finished its superb, excellent, other synonyms for “awesome” third season. We cried into SO many potatoes.

We (“we” being myself and photographer Nadia) made food and drinks from throughout the show’s run, including breakfast chow paired with Nutella and one of the foulest things I’ve ever drank – and I’ve had Diet Mountain Dew. (We wanted to make a Green Russian, but absinthe is more expensive than we thought. If there’s anyone out there with access to cheap green liquor, let us know. The more clearly opened the bottle, the better!)

No ocelots were cooked in the making of this post.

Meal: Nutella Steak and Eggs

Episode: “Drift Problem” (S03E04)

Ingredients: Nutella, steak, and eggs

This is the meal that Archer hopes for, but never gets, on his birthday. Consider it a mixed blessing. Putting Nutella – which if given the option between killing my entire family or getting the world’s last container of the sinfully delicious hazelnut spread, SORRY GRANDPA – on the eggs was wonderful. It should replace Cadbury Eggs during Easter-time, and everyone would be fatter and happier for it. Nutella, eggs, and steak, though: not so much. It was an unpleasant ménage à trois, with the steak attempting to force its way into the proceedings, while the Nutella and eggs happily made love together in my mouth. It was just…just awkward for everyone.

Meal: Scotch and Gummy Bears

Episode: “Killing Utne” (S01E04)

Ingredients: Scotch…and (six) gummy bears

There are six gummy bears in the glass. I was precise. Trying to drink scotch while simultaneously chewing on a gummy bear is a lot tougher than it seems – and not particularly flavorsome, either. The gummies (WILL YOU STOP SAYING “GUMMY” SO MUCH?) are too chewy and the scotch is too powerful to be ingested at the same time. What I’d recommend is soaking the gummies in a glass of God’s Greatest Alcoholic Gift, to let the liquor marinate into those little bears. So much better. Plus, it’s an adorable way to get hammered.

Meal: Bloody Mary

Episode: “The Limited” (S03E03)

Ingredients: “Relax, it’s just a Bloody Mary. And by the way, not a very good one, Mr. Vodka and Ketchup.”

I took this recipe very literally. I filled a glass with vodka, and then squeezed some ketchup into it. Predictably, it tasted as bad as it looked (the picture below reminds me of those expanding dinosaur capsules you’d put into water – or a caterpillar blood orgy). It was like drinking straight vodka chased with a side of hot sauce; the ketchup’s flavor was amped up, more spicy than sweet. The celery stalk wouldn’t have made a difference.

Meal: Malcolm X Tea

Episode: “Blood Test” (S02E03)

Ingredients: Nutmeg and water

I wasn’t familiar with Malcolm X Tea until hearing about it on “Archer.” The drink, according to Urban Dictionary, is a “cheap high that Malcolm X was known for using while in prison. In his biography, he noted a glass of ‘tea’ having the same effect as smoking three or four reefers.” To make the drink, all you have to do is stir 3/4 cup of nutmeg into a glass of water, and BOOM, you’ve got yourself XT(ea).

I had two sips before I was done. The only note I took down was “nutmeg…moldy cinnamon…” (Note to self: start a band called Moldy Cinnamon.) I couldn’t imagine drinking an entire glass of the tea. At first, you’re dreading the nutmeg, then you swallow a little and realize it’s mostly water, until the aftertaste kicks in, and you immediately want to hurl. Thing is, if I knew this existed as a teenager, I would have drank it every Friday night (I’m sipping HISTORY), followed by a Saturday morning spent robotripping. Being a teenager is the worst.

Meal: Bear Claw and a Shandy

Episode: “El Secuestro” (S02E10)

Ingredients: Bear claw, 24oz beer, and lemonade

What’s a guy gotta do to get a bear claw in New York? Seriously. I went to five bakeries and two grocery stores in Manhattan and Brooklyn, and couldn’t find a single god damned bear claw. Does Pam get them in Queens, where she lives? I’m not going out there – it smells like the Mets.

So I used a bow tie as a bear claw replacement. I know, I know. Blasphemy. So to forget my heresy, I bought a 24oz can of beer, mixed in some lemonade to make a Shandy (Pam’s breakfast drink!), and chugged that tall boy out of a brown paper sack (hobo’s choice), pausing only to devour the delectable, if sacrilegious bow tie. It worked: I was in a happy place, where the world was my fancy dinner party and bear claws were on every corner. Though that may have been the Malcolm X Tea talking.

That’s my drinkin’ sweater!