Thanksgiving Football (NBC, Thursday 8:30 p.m.) — Seattle Seahawks at San Francisco 49ers. By the time these two 7-4 division rivals play you may be as tired of football as you are of turkey thanks to the two earlier games, but they hate each other more than you hate your in-laws, so it should be worth the watch.
The Charlie Brown Thanksgiving Special (ABC, Wednesday 8:00 p.m.) — The Peanuts gang is as much a part of Thanksgiving as football, cranberry sauce, and forced family fun. You are required to watch this.
Planes, Trains, and Automobiles (CW, Wednesday 8:00 p.m.) — A holiday classic about the hell of traveling during the holidays that can now be witnessed while traveling during the holidays on a tablet or a cellphone. Technology is amazing. Also, I really want to see the confused look on the faces of the CW’s normal viewers when they find a movie playing on that channel that is older than they are.
The Making of Peter Pan Live! (NBC, Wednesday 8:00 p.m.) — I get all the Christopher Walken dancing that I need from a constant loop of Fatboy Slim’s “Weapon of Choice” music video, but if you want to change it up, you can check out this very special behind the scenes special for NBC’s upcoming Peter Pan Live! special. It looks real special.
Hell’s Kitchen (FOX, Wednesday 8:00 p.m.) — Knives! Shouting! Food! It’s Thanksgiving at my parents house condensed into one convenient hour.
Saturday Night Live Thanksgiving (NBC, Wednesday 9:00 p.m.) — I’m sure the old standards will be there (like Adam Sandler’s “Thanksgiving Song”) but hopefully there’s a smattering of Drunk Uncle and Stefon as well.
The MST3K Turkey Day Marathon (ShoutFactory.com, Thursday 12:00 p.m.) — This is what it’s all about, folks. Six episodes of Mystery Science Theater 3000 with intros from Joel Hodgson, a man so nice that he did not yell at me when I almost accidentally crushed Tom Servo with my massive forearm while pestering him at the Baltimore Comic Con this summer.
Edgar Wright Mini-Marathon (IFC, Thursday 6:30-11:45 p.m.) — Scott Pilgrim vs. The World and Hot Fuzz = Two films worth staving off turkey-drunkeness for.
FOX’s Cause for Paws: An All-Star Dog Spectacular (FOX, Thursday 8:00 p.m.) — Hillary Swank and Jane Lynch host a star-studded 2-hour long tribute to rescue dogs. Sorry cat people.
The Local News (Check your local listings) — LOOK AT ALL THOSE F*CKERS ON LINE OUTSIDE BEST BUY! STAY HOME!
LATE NIGHT GUESTS WEDNESDAY: Mindy Kaling and Rick Ross on Kimmel; Jake Gyllenhaal on Letterman; Wayne Brady and Alison Becker on Ferguson; Christopher Walken, Nick Jonas, and Iggy Azalea on Fallon; and Allison Williams and Dan Patrick on Meyers.
LATE NIGHT GUESTS THURSDAY: Bob Newhart and Melissa Rauch on Ferguson; Garth Brooks and Rashida Jones on Fallon; and Seth’s family stops by on Meyers.