The Middle/The Goldbergs/Modern Family/Black-ish (ABC, 8 p.m.) — This might be the strongest two-hour block on network TV right now. I know, I can’t believe it, either, but the only thing that comes close is Bob’s Burgers/The Simpsons/Brooklyn Nine-Nine/Family Guy. Neil Flynn and Eden Sher deserve Modern Family‘s Emmys.
Arrow (The CW, 8 p.m.) — Season premiere. One of these days, I’ll have an answer for why I’m still watching Marvel’s Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D., which frustrates me to no end, but not Arrow, a show I’ve only heard good things about. Today is not that day /Googles “Chloe Bennet pretty”
Law & Order: SVU (NBC, 9 p.m.) — Amaro is back on the SVU squad to investigate a starlet accused of statutory rape. The episode title: “Producer’s Backend.” Is that a pun?
American Horror Show: Freak Show (FX, 10 p.m.) — Season premiere. I’m stoked for this show to be back, but I’m mostly just happy that there won’t be any more trailers. Nine-hundred is enough.
The Soup (E!, 10 p.m.) — May The Soup never leave us.
South Park/Key & Peele (Comedy Central, 10 p.m.) — “Stan is searching for answers about how a person who he’s always known to be one [gender] could suddenly identify with another.” I’m sure there won’t be any next-day HOT TAKES about this episode.
LATE NIGHT GUESTS: Anderson Cooper on Letterman; Robert Downey Jr., Ira Glass, and Big & Rich on Fallon; Kyra Sedgwick and Jon Bernthal on Kimmel; Matthew Broderick and Zachary Quinto on Meyers; Leon Panetta on Stewart; and Carol Burnett on Colbert.