Raising Hope (Fox, 8 p.m.) — Somewhere in America, there’s a black market for Maw Maw’s Magic Brown (chocolate, caffeine pills, and bacon grease), and I want to go to there.
Happy Endings/Don’t Trust the B—- in Apt. 23 — I just want to alert you to the fact that neither of these fantastic sitcoms are on tonight because ABC is airing the two-hour season finale of Dancing with the Stars. I just didn’t want you to stumble upon the channel inadvertently and be under the mistaken impression that Jane and Brad had joined the competition, because that would be AWESOME. Also, I kind of wish the entire Real World lost season were a spin-off of Happy Endings that aired in the place of Neighbors.
Meanwhile, Kelly, Shawn and Melissa are competing for the Dancing with the Stars title, and I can honestly tell you that I have no idea whose first names those are.
New Girl (Fox, 9 p.m.) — Carla Gugino returns to continue her 50 Shades of Gray sexual relationship with Schmidt. This would be much better if it were on Cinemax.
Parenthood (NBC, 10 p.m.) — With Matt Lauria on the show now, I’d really like to see Saracen join the cast to compete for Egg’s affections. Coach Taylor could referee, and the loser gets a spin-off with Tyra. WIN WIN.
The Mindy Project (Fox, 9:30 p.m.) — It was good to see in last week’s Thanksgiving episode that Mindy Kaling’s show FINALLY lived up to its potential. No. I’m lying. It was still horrible.
Sons of Anarchy (FX, 10 p.m.) — WHERE IS DAMON POPE? There’s two episodes left; if Damon Pope doesn’t reappear and rain some hell down on someone tonight, I’m going to be pissed.