American Idol (Fox) — It’s Ladies Night! New York’s hottest club is LADIES NIGHT. It has everything: 60-year-old men in scarves, chubby girls that Buffalo Bill would keep in his well, Uncle Tom’s Cabin reenactors, girlfriends in wheelchairs, and kara-yaki. That’s karaoke with sizzling hunk of beef Ryan Seacrest! Mmm-MM!
America’s Next Top Model (CW) — Over the years, this show has transformed from an intriguing modeling competition into a perverse forum to torture leggy, dim-witted girls. Tonight’s episode will feature the models wearing live bees. I say again: LIVE BEES. Those stingers are fierce!
Justified (FX) — Eventually, sometime during the coming weeks, I’m going to leave “Justified” out of the Wednesday listings just to mix things up. So help me God, if anyone tells me that I “forgot” about the show, I will not rest until I’ve hunted you down and punched you in the throat.
Traffic Light (Fox) — You know, I watched the premiere of this a couple weeks back. I have to admit, it showed some real potential. Everything that “Perfect Couples” does wrong, “Traffic Light” does right. Which is to say: “Traffic Light” has believable friendships and relationships, but it could definitely benefit from Olivia Munn’s cleavage.
Top Chef (Bravo) — Wow, there are still five chefs left this season? I feel like “Top Chef” and “Project Runway” are the reality competitions that have the longest seasons. “The Bachelor” always seems to speed by in comparison. Thank God.
LATE NIGHT GUESTS: Yikes, double Chelsea Handler at 11:00: she’s the first guest on Conan tonight, while Anna Faris visits “Chelsea Lately” during the same time slot. Also: Donald Trump and Vanessa Hudgens on Letterman; Simon Cowell on Leno; Amanda Seyfried and Nick Offerman on Kimmel (WIN); and Ron Artest and Pauly D on George Lopez.
[full listings at TV Squad]