Okay, there is an electrocharged demonic octopus on the airplane. It’s wrapped around the power source and emitting some sort of ooze that is shortcircuiting everything. The plane is wobbling about in the sky and it might go down and their only hope is a “master switch” that is located in the plane’s bar, which brings up two important points:
- It will never not be hilarious that the high-tech government issue flying laboratory also has a fully stocked bar in its own separate room like it’s a luxury train instead of humanity’s last airborne hope against extermination and sterility. I like to picture them landing the plane in Delaware to stock up on tax-free liquor, like, in the middle of a mission.
- Why would anyone put the master switch to a multimillion-dollar science plane in the plane’s bar? So many things could go wrong. Zoo remains the best show, possibly ever.
So that’s what’s going on in this episo-
How did an octopus get on the plane?
Wait. What is this? I didn’t know I was taking questions.
Yeah, sorry to interrupt. I’m just a little lost.
Ahh, okay. Well, it turns out that Jackson’s evil secret sister, Abigail, who created and is controlling the hybrids, snuck it onto the plane when she waltzed in there last week, before she took Jackson hostage.
But… don’t octopuses need to live in water?
Man, we just saw an invisible Peruvian snake that lived in an abandoned funhouse last week. “Octopus in an airplane” is like a 3 on the nutso scale for this show.
Ahh, okay. Good point. I guess I’m with you now. Please, continue.
Okay. So while this is going on, with everyone freaking out on a malfunctioning airplane that has a demonic octopus onboard, and conversations like this taking place…
… Abigail has Jackson holed up in a laboratory in Copenhagen, shackled up as her prisoner and strapped to electrodes so she can steal the frequency in his brain that allows him to communicate with animals. To do this, she unleashes a tiger and covers him in blood, knowing he’ll have to make the tiger chill out if he wants to, like, not get eaten. Which he does. Bob Benson from Mad Men is covered in blood and communicating with tigers in Copenhagen. Let that sink in for a second
But just for a second, because now she needs the frequency he uses to make the animals attack, so she starts taunting him about his dead family, who blew up in an explosion at a gas station years earlier, which is still somehow only like the seventh most dramatic event in the poor guy’s life.
And eventually it gets to be too much and he makes the tiger charge, only to watch her shoot it and lock in the frequency.
Hold on. I’m lost. What does any of this have to do with the octopus on the airplane?
Give me a second.
So in addition to stealing her brother’s tiger attack brain waves by taunting him about his dead son, Abigail also has the schematics of the plane on a tablet, and another tablet that monitors the status of the biodrive in Mitch’s brain, which a) causes him to become the dreaded Mr. Duncan, like a Jekyll/Hyde thing, and b) has been accidentally activated because Mitch’s dad was trying to deactivate it, but the plane lost power while he was doing it, causing Mitch to go blind temporarily, which they hid from everyone else on the plane, because why not add a vision ruse to the plot about the madwoman trying to crash a plane with a stowaway electrocharged octopus.
So are we g-
I SAID GIVE ME A SECOND.
See, it’s not just about crashing the plane. Last episode, Mitch’s daughter, Clem, was placed into some sort of liquid stasis tank on the plane, because she is pregnant and humanity’s only hope at curing the sterility epidemic, but the baby has a blood disorder and needs a transfusion from the father to survive, and Clem doesn’t know who and/or where the father is, so they need to stall to keep everyone healthy until this episode of Maury resolves itself. But if the plane loses power, the tank loses power, and Clem and her magical fetus both die. Which means…
They have to kill the octopus?
THEY HAVE TO KILL THE OCTOPUS.
There’s a fuel leak on the plane, too, so they can’t use guns. Which would be a problem if the plane — in addition to having a full laboratory, jail, and bar stocked with top shelf liquor — didn’t also have a secret cabinet filled with, I swear to God, ninja stars and medieval war weapons.
It’s octopus-smashing time.
IN THE FACE.
IN THE FACE.
Yup. An electrocharged octopus almost crashed the science plane and doomed humans to extinction but it was thwarted by a married couple carrying swords and war hatchets. It’s madness that people care about Game of Thrones more than this show.
So… everything is okay now?
Oh, no. Oh God no. Remember how I said Mitch’s biodrive was activated and he was becoming the dreaded Mr. Duncan, his alter ego that Abigail used to help her create the hybrids and set all of this in motion?
Well, he and Jamie — again, the blogger who became a billionaire author and is also a leather-clad vigilante by night — got in a knock-down, drag-out fight in the bar, which means she wasn’t able to flip the master switch and reboot the plane.
Crap. Well, what happened? Did they figure it out?
That’s the thing. We don’t know yet, because in addition to plots involving…
- Bob Benson from Mad Men controlling tigers with his brain while covered in blood in a Copenhagen laboratory
- An electrocharged octopus making a plane go haywire
- A genius veterinarian becoming evil because of a drive implanted in his brain
- A pregnant woman floating in a liquid-filled stasis tank
- And more
… it was also A CLIFFHANGER.
Oh my God.
Best show on television. No contest.