Every year, Gwyneth Paltrow reaches down from her perfectly curated perch to bestow upon us, the people, the Goop Holiday Gift Guide. However, this time around, Paltrow has a wave of publicity at her back thanks to her wildly entertaining ski trial and its plethora of cozy looks and dramatic courtroom glasses.
With all eyes on Goop this holiday season, the gift guide does not fail to deliver an assortment of wildly over-priced trinkets that you would have to be out of your damn mind to purchase. Seriously, who is this thing for? Royalty? Oil barons? The women helping Elon Musk repopulate the earth? We honestly have no idea, but that’s not going to stop us from highlighting some of the more choice suggestions that rich weirdos might put under the tree this year, ranked for your enjoyment:
7. Everything In The Under-$100 Gift Guide
Just to show that Goop understands some of its readers might not have the budget for, say, $1,500 ice cubes (this one is coming up), they also provided a handy section filled with lower-priced items for what we can only assume are people you hate? Check out this description: “Special little (and not-so-little) somethings for your mother-in-law, your dog walker, your kid’s favorite teacher, your book club crew, and everyone in between.”
Because Goop apparently thinks the Average Joe is out here draining their 401k to buy gifts for people they barely know, these are just some of the items they recommend:
— A $55 Italian glass ornament. Not a pack of ornaments, just one. One singular ornament.
— An $80 jumprope. How? Why?
— A $75 box of nine tea bags. Because 10 would be garish.
— $25 mouth tape. Tape to put over your mouth. You read that right.
6. Monogram Forge Heated Ice Press ($1,500)
Have you been serving ice cubes from a tray, or God forbid, some sort of bag like a hobo? Knock it off. With this $1,500 ice press, you can carve the perfect, singular ice sphere that will leave everyone raving at your next party while it takes you 45 minutes just to make one drink. Absolutely no one will get mad and push over your TV.
5. Antique Escargot Picks ($567)
We’ve all been here, right? You’re serving escargot, the ultimate snack, but what are people going to pick it up with? Their fingers? Fortunately, this handy set of escargot picks solves that problem and pays for itself after the fourteenth snail. We did the math.
4. Parmigiano Reggiano DOP, Aged 24 Months ($396)
We’ll cut to the chase: If cheese doesn’t cost $400, throw it in the garbage.
3. A 7-Day Airship Cruise to the North Pole (A sack of blood diamonds, probably)
This item doesn’t even come with a price. You have to request it, so that’s definitely not a red flag. Anyway, if you’re a regular Goop Holiday Gift Guide shopper, you’re eventually going to hit a wall because there are only so many gilded sex toys and $400 cheese slivers you can buy. Fortunately, the next logical step is to just start handing out week-long airship journeys to the ends of the Earth like some sort of steampunk supervillain. That’s really what the holidays are all about, isn’t it?
2. Planar Studio Gong and Stand ($2,000)
For the person in your life who’s always saying, “Gee, you know what would be great? The terrifying sound of crashing metal,” Goop has just the gift. For $2,000 you can purchase them a giant gong and watch as your loved one is never again plagued by the quiet stillness of life or caught with their pants down during a ninja attack. It’s a masterpiece of both form and function.
1. Inez 24K Gold G-Spot Vibrator ($15,000)
This item is exactly as advertised. It is literally a vibrator made of gold at the bargain basement price of just $15,000. But be sure to order early because it takes 30 days for this puppy to ship, and God knows you could never show your face at the country club if it arrived on New Year’s. What would the neighbors think?
Happy shopping, everyone!
(Via Goop)