The Wild Story Of Martin Shkreli And His Romance With A Reporter Has Led To Some Fine Dreamcasting

The most unholy thing that 2020 seemed to be lacking — a fantastical update about Martin “Pharma Bro” Shkreli’s continuing shenanigans behind bars — finally materialized on Sunday. Oh boy, did this story hit the spot. A reporter for an esteemed publication confessed to throwing away her marriage and her job and her dignity for a shot at love with Shkreli (who is serving a 7-year prison sentence for security fraud). And then Christie Smythe, formerly of Bloomberg, told Elle all about this hot mess in lurid detail. Really, if you’ve ever felt bad about a relationship decision in your life, you will probably feel a little better knowing that at least you didn’t have your first kiss with a convicted white collar criminal in a room that smelled of chicken wings.

Actually, I hope that neither of those two variables (kissing a convicted felon/professional troll or the chicken-wing romance thing) never, ever happens to you. Smythe apparently experienced both things before she agreed to freeze her eggs for the dude who had to forfeit his $2 million Wu-Tang album as part of an asset seizure, and damn, she didn’t even get to listen to the thing. Would that be worth throwing away a marriage? Probably not, but it’s time to get silly because Smythe allegedly sold the movie rights to her story. Never mind that she hasn’t even published the book that’s supposed to be the basis of this movie because, my god, we’ve got some dreamcasting to do.

Well, first, it’s pretty important to note (as this Twitter user did) that Smythe’s institution-bound love story with Pharma Bro is “almost precisely Harley Quinn’s origin story.” In other words, I’m catching some serious Jared Leto-Joker vibes now regarding Skhreli the master manipulator.

Really though, who should portray Smythe and Shkreli if their story does get the cinematic treatment? Kristen Bell and Kieran Culkin and Vincent Karthaiser and Betty Gilpin all got mentions, among others (like Ben Shapiro, should he choose to make his Hallmark movie debut).

Heck, let’s give it to this dude. He’s throwing himself on the grenade.

And wait a minute, why stop at a movie? This could be a miniseries.

Thank goodness 2020 can still bring some laughs, right?