**Record scratch**
**Freeze frame**
"Yup, thats me. You're probably wondering how I ended up in this situation. Well, it all started when . . ."#mprraccoon pic.twitter.com/UI6oMtoNbg
— ohchowder (@ohchowder) June 13, 2018
We held off on posting about the wall-scaling raccoon that’s become locally famous in Minnesota until we were sure she was safe and healthy. Good news on that front. The #MPRraccoon has been rescued and returned to nature, ready to steal donuts and phones, have her little mind blown by the intrinsic properties of cotton candy, inspire movie character designs, or whatever other shenanigans a raccoon is wont to do.
The saga of the MPRraccoon started on Monday, when this intrepid trash panda was spotted chilling in a niche in the wall of the Town Square building in St. Paul, Minnesota. The next day, Minnesota Public Radio picked up the story:
This poor raccoon apparently got itself stranded on a ledge of the Town Square office building in downtown St. Paul, likely on an errant mission to raid pigeon nests on the skyway over 7th Street. It's been there for two days now, without food or water. @mprnews pic.twitter.com/fVI5pmdCWq
— Tim Nelson (@timnelson_mpr) June 12, 2018
Office workers attempted to rescue her, but she escaped to the adjacent 25-story UBS Tower and began climbing, while employees with windows that didn’t open just had to watch her go and hope for the best:
My picture from the 13th floor around noon. Hope he makes it down OK! #mprraccoon pic.twitter.com/gfVWysn9iO
— Ben (@Johnson88Ben) June 12, 2018
He is on the ledge on our floor. He seems to be doing well. We’ve been told that the building has live traps on the roof and are trying to get him to go up there. We all just have to keep our fingers crossed.. #mprraccoon pic.twitter.com/HY1PkuFKz0
— Paige Donnelly law (@donnelly_law) June 12, 2018
The #mprraccoon is doing a little grooming now that he's a social media star. You know, on a 23rd floor window ledge. @MPRnews pic.twitter.com/pGcwh7OJ6L
— Tim Nelson (@timnelson_mpr) June 12, 2018
Some people on Twitter didn’t want to deal with the heartbreak if the raccoon didn’t make it. Guardians of the Galaxy director James Gunn even offered a reward for her rescue:
I’m not currently emotionally prepared to follow a news story about a raccoon in peril, but thanks for the offer Twitter.
— Georgia Hardstark (@GHardstark) June 13, 2018
https://twitter.com/JamesGunn/status/1006644556710866944
Local news stations KARE11 and WCCO set up livestreams, and animal rescue workers set out wet cat food and traps on the roof. The raccoon started her descent:
The #mprraccoon is that little dark spot up on the building. He's coming down, one floor at a time. Four stories so far. pic.twitter.com/emHwCh8gts
— Tim Nelson (@timnelson_mpr) June 13, 2018
But then she changed her mind and headed towards the roof instead, reaching the top early Wednesday morning:
https://twitter.com/raccoonbrand/status/1006808814832836608
Then we waited to hear if the story would have a happy ending. Luckily, the raccoon is now somewhere in the southwest suburbs of the Twin Cities.
Top floor law firm @donnelly_law says UBS building management has told them the #mprraccoon formerly in their window HAS BEEN TRAPPED.
— Tim Nelson (@timnelson_mpr) June 13, 2018
RACCOON UPDATE: it has been trapped, its eating, still on top of tower, will be released "somewhere safe" by private Brooklyn Park contractor Wildlife Management Services
— Tad Vezner (@SPnoir) June 13, 2018
https://twitter.com/ubs_plaza/status/1006876321346211840
Wildlife Management Services of Brooklyn Park, Minnesota, picked up the #mprraccoon who had climbed to the top of a 25-story tall St. Paul building and released her in the southwest suburbs of the Twin Cities. pic.twitter.com/lqPfePDowV
— Jake Tapper (@jaketapper) June 13, 2018
A fitting music video was made to sum up the seemingly impossible mission:
What you've all been waiting for… #MissionImpossible #MPRraccoon 🤣 @kare11 @ElleryTV @DPet_KARE11News @timnelson_mpr pic.twitter.com/SZKNem45yf
— Alicia Lewis (@alicialewisKARE) June 13, 2018
People on Twitter were hype:
https://twitter.com/HelloCullen/status/1006945667539984386
He’s got my vote! pic.twitter.com/e7XENAy4rM
— Stephen Colbert (@StephenAtHome) June 14, 2018
All those in favor of making #MPRaccoon the new Twitter CEO say aye.
— Mike Monteiro, cisgender male (@monteiro) June 13, 2018
https://twitter.com/H4N4W4LT/status/1006941368361447424
Although some folks maintained skepticism, lest the MPRraccoon turn out to be a milkshake duck in raccoon’s clothing:
https://twitter.com/warmyellowlight/status/1006898276786999296
patiently waiting for the inevitable headline that skyscraper raccoon is racist
— huntigula (@huntigula) June 13, 2018
oh everyone loves it when a raccoon scales a building, but when i do it suddenly i’m “Fathers for Justice”
— 📻 King Boy T 🇵🇸 (@nailheadparty) June 13, 2018
I’m not following that raccoon story because I learned my lesson with Balloon Boy & I know that raccoon’s dad made him do it.
— Caissie (@Caissie) June 13, 2018
People made photoshops [that raccoon is definitely going to steal The Rock’s leg], while others touted the unexpected benefits of Brutalist architecture:
YES. pic.twitter.com/NlCJFoIQbO
— Nick de Semlyen (@NickdeSemlyen) June 14, 2018
Looks like that raccoon who was climbing the building in Minnesota finally got to the roof. pic.twitter.com/wz4MdLsZMg
— pat tobin (@tastefactory) June 13, 2018
Tiny Brain: Brutalism’s good bc of material honesty
Normal Brain: Brutalism’s good bc it makes abstract public futures into concrete
Galaxy Brain: Brutalism’s good bc difficult form resists easy commodification
Cosmic Brain: Brutalism’s good bc raccoons can climb your building
— Fred Scharmen (@sevensixfive) June 13, 2018
Others posited some mind-blowing conspiracy theories:
has anyone proposed the obvious explanation: the #mprraccoon is infected with a species of Cordyceps fungus and was trying to spread the spores from the highest place it could
— peter hess (@PeterNHess) June 13, 2018
everyone lets out a huge groan as the raccoon finally reaches the top of the skyscraper and unfurls a gigantic “try veganism” banner
— america's lounge singer (@KrangTNelson) June 13, 2018
“I respect raccoons because every person on the planet adores them and all they want to do is eat trash.” Truly an inspiration to us all.
Legitimately want to see this inspirational poster hanging in offices and schools around the world pic.twitter.com/KTpXXrJdye
— Ally (@TragicAllyHere) June 13, 2018
Feminist icon pic.twitter.com/td2CB7gFko
— the federalist stinks!!!! (@rajandelman) June 13, 2018
The #MPRaccoon climbed so Rocket could fly. pic.twitter.com/KiLWSblVUX
— Matthew A. Cherry (@MatthewACherry) June 13, 2018
https://twitter.com/nachdermas/status/1006871948171923456
https://twitter.com/norcross/status/1006942004989882368
Godspeed, little trash panda.