In case you somehow missed it, on Monday afternoon news broke that the FBI had raided both the office and hotel room of Donald Trump’s longtime personal attorney Michael Cohen to seize documents related to Stormy Daniels, among other things, on the referral of Special Counsel Robert Mueller. This is actually huge news. There’s no speculation involved; no anonymous sources spilling to the Washington Post or New York Times. In other words, it was pretty much impossible for any major news organization to downplay.
Yes, pandas. I know it’s difficult to believe that the same guy who, just recently, enlisted the help of Fabio as an expert on the economy of California would turn to pandas in a time like this, but hear me out — not only are the pandas aggressive but they are also sex crazed. Sex crazed killer pandas!
“You know the official story about pandas, they’re cute, they’re adorably helpless, which is why they’re almost extinct,” Carlson started off. “But like a lot of what we hear, that’s a lie. According to today’s Wall Street Journal, quote, the real panda is a secret stud with a taste for flesh and a fearsome bite.”
After noting that pandas could “easily kill you if they felt like it,” he continued with a straight face, pointing out that pandas are “not against sex,” they just “hate unsexy zoos.” He added, “in the wild, male pandas engage in a fierce sexual contest, [and] the winner has sex 40 times in a single afternoon.”
Suffice to say, Carlson’s in-depth reporting quickly and unsurprisingly earned himself the ridicule of the internet: