Regardless of whether you believe humans evolved from apes, Jesus shot us here from a pterodactyl cannon, or we were baked by Thetans in a volcano like Keebler Elves, one thing is indisputable: we share 96% of our DNA with chimps. Which seems cute when you dress up a chimp and make him play hockey, but kind of scary when that chimp’s clawing a lady’s face off. There are some heavy implications of animal behavior if you want to delve, but rather than harsh your mellow with deep philosophy, I thought we could just enjoy these clips of chimps and monkeys happily raping lesser animals. Not because rape is funny, but so that perhaps we might come away with a littler better understanding of your uncle Andre. And yes, I know chimps aren’t technically monkeys, it just sounds better and it’s easier to say. If you don’t like it you can suck macaque.
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10. Monkey Rapes a Goat
First he goes from behind but can’t reach, so he switches to the front. Sick monkey. Then again, can you blame him when the goat was wearing her ears like that? What a slut.
- 9. Baby Monkey Humps a Kitten
Ever noticed everything sounds cute when you put “baby” in the title?
- 8. Chimp Mouth Rapes a Frog
This is the mother of all monkey rape videos, at least as far as disturbing quotient is concerned. A chimp finds a toad, and he’s very curious, so naturally he forces its mouth open so he can stick his monkey penis in it. Meanwhile, the sound of a child crying in the background really ties the room together.
- 7. Monkey in a Zoo Rapes a Stuffed Monkey
Give him a break. Seriously, how different is this than one of those anime hugging pillows? I mean, it’s not like he’s buying underwear out of a vending maching.
- 6. More Monkey Cat Sex
I like the surveillance camera vibe on this one, it’s almost like I’m watching Cheaters. Also, “Monkey Cat Sex” is the name of my indie band.
- 5. Another Monkey and Another Cat Do What Comes Naturally
This cat seems rather bored by the whole thing. Poor monkey. Boy, do I know how that feels.
- 4. Spider Monkey Speed Humps a Stuffed Animal
You call that speed humping? Pff. That monkey ain’t got nuthin.
- 3. Baby Chimp Humps a Bush
Wrong type of bush! Stupid chimp, what was he thinking? Oh well, at least he didn’t smell his ass and fall off a log.
- 2. Seriously Though, Monkeys Really Seem to Like Raping Cats
This one’s a screamer! Call me insensitive, but I can’t help but laugh whenever I hear that REER! sound. I mean, uh, poor kitty.
- 1. When Monkeys Attack Owls
Okay, so technically the assault isn’t sexual, but it is awesome. So suspenseful. Waaait for it, waaait for it, waaaait for it… POW! To the moon, Owlice! Now if you’ll excuse me, I have some time to serve in bad-pun prison.