Commercials in America are not awesome enough. That’s why I turn my attention to Japan, a country that understands my needs. Whether you’re jonesing for pets wearing clothes or environmentalist bears or even cheese-headed guys who are just a little bit rape-y, Japan always delivers. A Green Bay Packers tailgate party might also deliver on that last one, but I digress. Here are 16 commercials that would probably never be made in America, to our great disappointment.
I call shenanigans. How can this dog food really be made by dogs when there are no cat turds in it?
CHEESE CURRY NOODLES
If you ever see me walking down the street, shooting invisible double handguns and saying “chi chi chi chi chi chi”, do not be alarmed. I know what I’m doing.
MILK SEAFOOD NOODLES
“Milk Seafood Noodles” don’t sound very appetizing to me, but damned if the cheese and pepper aliens didn’t convince me to eat nothing but this. So avoid the bathroom at my house when I’ve been in there. I’m going to be making milk seafood noodles, if you know what I’m sayin’. (That means poop.)
Here we advertise Halls cough drops by showing someone acting like their throat feels soothed. In Japan they advertise Halls by showing chickens with human faces bursting out of a guy’s chest. No, really.
Arnold Schwarzenegger (“shwa-chan”) made a lot of commercials in Japan. The following is nearly 7 minutes of his commercials from 1987 to 1992. I don’t know what that “V” drink is supposed to be, but it makes you spit out gold coins, carry somebody’s grandma piggyback, and ride around on a velocipede bike maniacally laughing. Or, as I call it, a typical Thursday.
They may not have the NFL, but they can appreciate the awesomeness of a surprise tackling.
GLOBAL WARMING PSAs
The two ads in the video above are from Nisshinbo Textile. The first suggests that shaving your bear will help him deal with global warming. Have you shaved your bear yet? I have. Oh God did I ever. The second ad is somehow even stranger: the bear tries to summon snow. There was another commercial with the bear crying as he reads a newspaper article about global warming. That video was pulled from YouTube, but not before I screencapped this:
No list of Japanese ads would be complete without at least one cute anthropomorphic object doing something creepy. Involving panties. In this case, panty-ripping jelly beans advertise cell phones or rape crisis hotlines or something.
In Japan, everyone has a robot seal to give them drugs and surf for their amusement. EVERYONE.
Japan’s Aflac commercials are so much better than ours. Instead of a Gilbert Gottfried voiced duck screaming at people, there’s a cat and duck quietly helping out at the office and dancing to cheer up a guy working overtime.
Some poor misguided souls try to sell toothpaste by promising white teeth, fresh breath, and a clean mouth. Whooo cares? Other advertisers wisely created Peter Gabriel’s Sledgehammer video if it were filtered through Terry Gilliam’s brain. And triggered acid flashbacks. I know which toothpaste I’d rather use, and my refrigerator’s plotting against me. Is this real life?
Dole advertised medication for delusional disorder and paranoid schizophrenia in Japan. Or maybe they advertised bananas. It’s debatable.
HOTEL BOOKING SERVICE
Business Cat could sell me a time share in Port-au-Prince. Business Cat could look right at me while ripping a hole in my couch and I’d still be smiling. Business Cat can come crap in a box in my house anytime. Hell, I’d even let him bang your sister.