Ethel spent her days at home, writing postcards to her four lawyer sons and raising their 8-year old calico, Moses. Over the years, Ethel took advantage of her husband’s profession, teaching herself how to play simple tunes on her electric piano. She picked up the classics with ease, playing for her Mah Jong partners and the occasional Fed Ex delivery driver. But one night she and Oscar awoke to a strange tune, an unknown sound emanating from their vintage Wurlitzer. As she crept downstairs to investigate the clatter, she locked eyes on a site of pure amazement… Moses was playing his own song.
Keyboard Cat has since retired to a life of slaying pussy groupies, instead selling his namesake to his Jamaican cousin, Rasta Ragdoll. Yet while we may never hear from the original Keyboard Cat again – he has since become a rabbi at Temple Beth Bengal – his life story has left an outline for domestic animals to follow. In his autobiography, “Almost Purrfect,” Keyboard Cat says that creating an Internet pet sensation takes dedication, passion, and most of all, following these 8 steps to success:
Dress the Part
Part of human nature is the adoration of cute animals, the cuddly little bastards with their fuzzy whiskers and random red rockets. But what makes an animal even more adorable than au natural? Funny costumes. Before passing, Carl Sagan wrote: “For I have seen the universe and she is beautiful… but not nearly as cool as a bulldog in a tuxedo.”
Lean on Your Crutch
Being a sensation isn’t just about being funny. Some of the most legendary Internet animals have made us say, “Awwwww” more than they’ve elicited laughter.
Create Your Talent
Keyboard Cat has his fair share of detractors. “You can see the human hands holding him,” says Captain Buzzkill. But have you ever thought that maybe that’s just how good Keyboard Cat is? Maybe he’s the one moving the human arms. I just blew your mind. Take this talented animal super group:
SUNDAY, SUNDAY, SUNDAY!!! It’s the Super Bowl of Pet Water Sports, featuring Fuego the Fire-Breathing Chihuahua! Chinchillazilla! Bunnysaurus! And the granddaddy of EXXTREEEEEME!!! Twiggy the water-skiing squirrel!
Human abuse is hardly funny, unless it involves hobos, midgets, and midget hobos. Animal abuse is even less humorous, that is, unless it’s in the name of “training” said animal. On Animal Planet’s It’s Me or the Dog, Stains had to learn that he was not allowed to eat whatever he wants.
A Hero’s Welcome
Much like the two-legged dog, we’re also always suckers for heroics. I appreciate our armed forces, firefighters, police officers, and bartenders. But above all, I will salute a dog that will put itself in harm’s way in the name of “Oh my God, he’s rescuing that wounded dog!”
Some animals are just born with it. They’re called show-offs. Their owners take them on TV shows and brag like, “Hey look how smart my pig is, my pig is the coolest pig in the world!” Yeah, well your pig was delicious.
In Desperate Times
Of course there’s a seedier side to pet celebrity. Call it the underbelly that you don’t want to rub. In desperate times, the truly desperate animals surface. But even when animals are at their worst, the Internet audience demands the hilarity.