So, you’ve worked really hard, and built up a pretty considerable fan page on Facebook! But, you know, having all these fans is such a pain. You’re tired of listening to them. You want to drive them off. Hey, presto, it’s easy!
#1) Update erratically
This method is highly effective if your fan page is about something that needs constant information, like current events. Update at random. No posts for two weeks, then three in one day, then five over the course of a week, then total silence. Flip a coin: heads you post, tails you don’t. Make a game out of it! See how many people can spot the update and actually still care about your brand!
The only problem with this method is that people with a lot of friends have a pretty busy feed. They probably won’t even notice you’re gone. So you’ll get rid of the minor users, but the superusers will need a more aggressive approach.
#2) Update relentlessly
Alternately, you could try filling their feed with updates. Minor details? Send them. Quote revisions? Send them. Minor events in the office? Everybody who cares about your brand must care about the secretary’s birthday, right? Right!
Unfortunately, Facebook works hard to keep you from losing fans. Even if they’re annoyed, instead of leaving, they’ll just select Hide. So you’re going to have to get more aggressive to get them to leave. Luckily, that’s what we have the “Send a Message” button for. And will you EVER send them a message!
#3) Use form letters, and send them repeatedly
There’s nothing quite like sending somebody a form letter to show them you don’t care. But why stop with sending it once? Write a form letter for an upcoming event, and then just send that to your entire group, day after day after day. They’ll leave in droves!
#4) Start spamming the entire group
The best way to get annoying visible, though, is to send people that most beloved of Internet substances: spam.
The great part is all this has to be is some sort of completely unrelated promotional activity in order to annoy people. It doesn’t matter what it is. Maybe you want to sell some Girl Scout cookies, maybe your friend has this awesome band, it doesn’t matter. Just pick something unrelated and send, send, send!
The one problem with this method is that a lot of people ignore their messages on Facebook completely. There’s no incentive for them to clean out their message box, so why bother? You’re getting visible enough maybe to be annoying, but not visible enough to remove.
#5) Start posting directly on their Walls
Yes, sometimes, you really have to get personal. So start posting events and other information directly on their Wall. That’ll get some attention, if there’s one user who may have a lot of friends and is particularly influential that you want to get rid of. Annoy the hell out of him and he’ll run away screaming and probably slagging you to his friends.
#6) Change the name randomly so no one can find you
Once you’ve gotten rid of all these users, it’s time to make sure they don’t come back. And there’s no better way to do that than with a name change. Make it something totally unrelated and completely unlike your previous group name. And, of course, make your profile private so nobody can find you and ask.
As you might have guessed, this article is meant to be just a wee bit sarcastic. But none of this is in any way hypothetical. This is all stuff that I have actually seen on Facebook, or even have had done to me. And none of this was done by amateurs: all of the above were done by professional publicists and spokespeople, people who are trained in brand consistency and making the consumer like you.
The moral of the story is that it is very, very easy to get ignored on Facebook. There’s no cost to becoming a fan of something or joining a group, so people will do it indiscriminately. You do have their attention, but you need to leverage that attention effectively. Otherwise, you may as well take everything I said up there absolutely seriously.
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