An Idiot’s Guide to 12 Second Videos

Until recently, the best way to record and send 12 second videos to your friends and family was through PornHub. Or so I was told by my friends. In retrospect, things have been awkward lately and for some reason my mom won’t return my phone calls. Either way, the inception of was for the purpose of sending short-but-sweet status updates to our friends, family and followers.

Like a rodeo, but not.

The site claims that “anything longer than 12 seconds is boring,” echoing a sentiment that I have long shared with my ex-girlfriends. Really, there’s no reason that the creators picked the number 12 other than for gimmick, unless the world’s about to end in 12 seconds and they want us all to be able to tell our loved ones how much we’ve cheated on or stolen from them.

While I’m hardly a Luddite, I’m terrible with new internet fads. When people were rocking to iTunes, I was jamming on WinAmp. When people were updating their statuses on Facebook, I was still on MySpace. Until two days ago, I assumed Foursquare was a game I sucked at in elementary school. My friends who are more advanced in the social networking game have recently pushed me to try a variety of new apps, including 12 seconds. “You’re going to love this,” one friend proclaimed. Yeah? Well I was also supposed to love driving a Toyota.

For the purpose of this endeavor, I signed up for a 12 Seconds account and I even managed to sync it with my Facebook without having to call my Asian friends. The site is currently in Beta format, but once I get my videos uploaded they should change it to ‘Bater format *hold for female applause* Amirite?

"Hey Shoshanna, let's show Twitter your boobs!"

Upon creating my account I also looked at some of the most popular videos that had been posted to get a better understanding of this strange new universe, and most of them were people making unusual faces or noises, and these videos were oddly miscategorized under “funny.” I guess these are the bugs that people have to deal with in Beta version. Others were grainy footage of live events, people telling brief opinions of things that don’t matter to me, and arguably cute animals licking their crotches. Nothing that I viewed really jumped out at me as something that had to be told in exactly 12 seconds.

That revelation, of course, leads to my purpose – what’s the point of 12 Seconds and can it benefit the human necessity to constantly update statuses? Here are a few easy pointers to master these 12 Seconds video updates.

It Helps To Be an Attractive Girl

Many sociological studies have revealed throughout history that hot chicks are awesome. Even when they’re doing something stupid, they’re still better than ugly girls. Take this girl for instance. She’s yelling like a moron, but she still has more than 500 views, while the average user seems to have less than 20 views per video. Is life fair? Probably not. Maybe try not to be so ugly next time.


Make Sure It Translates Well

This user has an affinity for the band Muse. While that saddens me, it does a disservice in general to play 12 seconds of any song. Especially when it sounds like dinosaur rape is taking place all around the camera. Videos should be recorded in an atmosphere that’s conducive of acoustics. Or anywhere that Muse is not playing.

My favourite @muse song! on

Celebrities Are Not Above the Law

Dane Cook tried to post a video, but he couldn’t grasp the concept of finishing in 12 seconds. He should be banned from all social networking for this careless misuse of a public luxury. Then he should move to Iran and live with the rest of his kind.

O on

Internet Rule #1: Animals Are Cute or GTFO

This cat video does not feature spaghetti or pizza. There are no funny hats or keyboards. This thing is just making noises. Annoying noises. Unacceptable. It should be thrown in a fire and sacrificed as a cat witch.

This is not a happy cat. on

Make Sure That Your Opinions Aren’t Universally Despised

This mother-son combo loves Kate Gosselin, which is unique because even her own kids don’t love her. I love time travel. I love it so much that I would like to invent it and stop this guy’s grandparents from having sex.

Me and my mom get so excited over Kate gosslin on dancing with the stars!!! on

Simon Cowell Is Not Watching Your Videos

When I was in elementary school, our music teacher made us sing so she could find the kids who would perform in our annual Christmas show. When it came time for my vocal talents, she handed me an elf hat and said I could stand in the background. The point is, if you suck at singing, we don’t even want to see it on 1 Second Videos. 12 seconds is about enough time for a commercial jingle, and if it’s not Premier Adult Factory Outlet then I don’t want to hear it.

Singing in teh shower on

Your Kids Are Only Cute To You

Everyone thinks they have the cutest kid in the world. But one parent’s treasure is another person’s condom commercial. Here’s a helpful pointer for proud parents – if your kid figures out a way to save the economy, that’s pretty cute. Anything else, not so much.

Breakfast (morning Marlon) on

About the only thing worse would be a bunch of kids singing Coldplay, but nobody is that… OH DEAR GOD!

Kids at school board meeting sing Coldplay! on

Don’t Try to Impress, Share What You Know

You know, it’s pretty easy for me to criticize other videos, so it’s only fair that I post one. When it came time to upload my first video, I couldn’t think of something that I absolutely had to share with the world, so I decided I would just be myself and share something that I’m truly good at.

Mobile/E-Mail Post on

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