The 5 Worst Times to be Naked

Nudity is complicated. Don’t get me wrong, there are plenty of acceptable times to be naked. While showering, running across soccer pitches or baseball fields, having sex in order to conceive a child within the confines of marriage, and writing internet comedy are all great times to be nude (not one article on this site was written while wearing pants; trust me on this.)

Your average freelancer.

Unfortunately, there are just so many more times when it is completely unacceptable to remain clothes-free. Or at least it makes the situation a lot more awkward if not complicated. Of course, since being naked is awesome that doesn’t keep people from doing it anyway. Here are some of the worst times to be wearing your birthday suit.

While Bowling

Of all the sports in the world, bowling is probably the least sexy. You might think adding nudity into the mix would help spice it up a bit but it really, really doesn’t (NSFW or people who want to continue to live their lives never having seen a hairy old man bowling. Naked.) Bowling is a sport that involves some awkward lunging, where your legs get spread a bit too far apart making any dangly bits viewable in the least attractive way possible. Never-the-less, many naturist groups find naked bowling to be a great group activity. And that’s fine when they rent out the alley for the night just for themselves (NSFW). It’s not so fine when they go during the day and there is no clear warning for any other innocent patrons. The last thing an 8 year old needs is PTS from unexpectedly viewing this completely disturbing naked pseudo-sporting extravaganza.

Bowling shoes are still compulsory, obviously.

Nude bowling has gotten out of control. T-Mobile even sponsors a fun-filled day called City Chase that includes nude bowling as a way to “get people out of their comfort zone.” Back in 2003 so many people were stripping off and letting the stale, air conditioned breezes of the lanes waft around their privates that the great Hunter S. Thompson wrote about it for ESPN. He was, quite rightly, against it on the principle that “[naked bowling] renders [people] all but useless for normal military work.” I can’t help but agree. Nude darts, naked pool? I can get behind that (metaphorically speaking; there is no way I am actually going to stand behind a nude dude with a pool cue.) But naked bowling is an abomination that is dragging down a sport which everyone knows is traditionally played by porn stars in bikinis.

The way God intended.

At Church

Speaking of God, I’m sure a lot of people reading this don’t attend church. I’m also pretty positive I know why. It’s because of the fact that most churches expect you to wear clothes. Those sorts of “traditional” churches are boring and old fashioned. The way forward for Christianity is obviously naked worship, as more than one church has demonstrated.

Add a bit of  singing hymns in the altogether and suddenly church is popular. At a nudist colony in Virginia, church attendance is up 12% over last year. Pastor Allan Parker helpfully points out that Jesus doesn’t care what you wear when you worship him since the savior himself was naked for important parts of his life, including “when he was born.” It’s that sort of in-depth religious teaching that draws people to the church. I’m sure Genesis 3:10 doesn’t play a big part in his sermons, however.

Alternative devotion is not limited to American nudists. Across the Atlantic a church is causing outrage due to some naked worship. Prophetess Felicia Okafor of the Ministry of Sacrifice church fasted on a mountain where she had an epiphany. Later while leading her congregation in worship she stripped off all her clothes and instructed them to do the same. The next logical step was obviously to tell all the women they would be punished for sleeping with their husbands again and would instead be “assigned” a partner from the church. That’s certainly one way to spice up the average homily.

Of course, you want to be sure you’re at a church where this sort of au naturel devotion is the norm. As one young man in Michigan found, it’s less acceptable to go to a regular pro-clothes church while naked in the middle of the day when there are children around. People will freak out and the police will Taser you.

With Wild Animals

Now you think this one would be self explanatory. Wild animals, especially onces with big teeth, are not the greatest thing to be naked around. It’s probably pretty obvious to most of the population that you don’t want to be hanging around a place well known for alligators when you’re naked.

Sometimes you have no choice.

In 2006 in Florida, a naked man who was high on crack cocaine fell asleep on the shore of an alligator infested lake. Of course the worst happened and he was attacked. Fortunately, the alligator just held on to his arm and didn’t drag him under, allowing him to scream for help. A neighbor heard, called 911 and the man, Adrian Apgar, was rescued and survived his injuries. A 600 lb. alligator was caught an euthanized a few hours later to protect the public from it’s now most likely insatiable desire for human flesh. So far, just a crazy story of a really stupid drug addict.

Of course it gets better. Two years later Apgar was found completely naked again, 50 feet from the shore of the same lake, stalking another alligator.  Now, passing out once and getting attacked is sad. Actively stalking alligators while naked due to some sort of weird and ultimately futile revenge scheme, or perhaps some deviant and seriously futile sexual fetish, is mind blowingly stupid.

Although possibly not as stupid as this movie.

Who knows, maybe Apgar was high the second time as well. However, English comedian Guy Venables was definitely in full control of his faculties when he jumped naked into a shark tank on a dare. The tank, located in Brighton’s Sea Life Center, was home to 15 sharks and various stingrays (you know, the thing that killed the frigging Crocodile Hunter.) Fortunately, Guy was fine but the sight of his nakedness so stunned one of the sharks that it died two days later. Seriously.

"Take off your top! It scares them to death!"

In the Office

You’ve probably had a late night at your office before. One of those where even the cleaning staff have gone home and it’s just you in the whole building, bitterly plugging away at whatever job your boss has unfairly assigned you. What you might not have thought in that situation was a way to make it more fun: nudity!

Well, Hamilton, Ohio City Prosecutor Scott Blauvelt sure did. In 2006 he was accused of “walking around the Government Services Center after business hours without clothing,” allegedly stripping off on more than one occasion and became a hero of the overworked everywhere. The security guard who saw the footage of his midnight flesh-fest thought differently and alerted the police. Blauvelt was charged with public indecency.

Known in legal circles as "Pulling a Pee-wee."

While this would seem to be a perfect example of why you shouldn’t just randomly get naked in your place of employment, especially if there is CCTV, in reality it is a win for the clothing impaired everywhere. You see, due to a technicality in the law, the charges were dropped. After Blauvelt plead not guilty by reason of insanity (because what else are you going to claim when you get caught on camera rubbing your naked butt on your boss’s chair?) his lawyer pointed out that it doesn’t count as public indecency if there is no reason to think anyone would see you.

If a tree whips it out in a forest and no one is around to see it...

Since it was in a deserted office building late at night there had obviously been no intent to be indecent in front of other people, just by himself surrounded by the trappings of his sad job. Sexy.

In Your Own Home

Ok, sure, not getting naked in your office is pretty obvious. But at home? How are you supposed to avoid that? Well, a couple guys found out the hard way that you might want to be free as a jaybird as little as possible even behind closed doors.

Late last year Erick A. Williamson was pulled from his bed at gun point and accused of flashing children as they walked to the bus stop. He wasn’t standing on a corner wearing a trench coat or anything, no, he was seen through his blinds walking around his house naked. A horrified mother called the police, Williamson was arrested, lost his job and evicted. At first a judge convicted him, saying that since two women had seen him two hours apart he must have been being obscene. Just so you know, everyone reading this while sat at their computer in the buff, two hours is apparently the legal limit you can be naked in your own house before it becomes a misdemeanor. I’ll wait while you go get some pants on.

OK, yes, those are...fine.

Fortunately, a jury later took 20 minutes to overturn the verdict. Still it didn’t get Williamson his job or house back.

If that isn’t enough to convince you to never be naked in your own home, consider the plight of Justin Chentnik. After making the obvious mistake of sleeping naked he was awakened at 4am by someone stealing his roommate’s car. He rushed out into the street and apprehended the man, sitting on his chest until the police got there. In typical police profiling style, at first they suspected the naked guy was the suspect, although why he was hanging around was unclear. Once that was sorted out the carjacker was taken to jail and Chetnick was a hero, albeit one who had just sat with his junk in a guy’s face for 5 minutes.

Chetnik, whom the Colorado Daily helpful points out is "now wearing clothes."

Let that be a lesson to you aspiring heroes. Never be naked, not ever.

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