This oil leak has been going on for just about long enough. It’s high time we do something about it. As a forward thinking patriot, I feel it’s my duty to assist in any way possible to protect both the ocean and our besieged coastline. The company responsible for the leak, British Petroleum (BP), has tried a couple different strategies to combat the problem, realizing only minimal success to this point. So, without further ado, I’d like to offer up a few ideas I came up with during a recent brainstorming session.
The Abstinence Only Option
BP’s attempts to fix the leak thus far have been the equivalent of a very drunk guy trying to have sex with a girl who has demanded he use protection. First they tried to attach a large containment vessel, essentially a giant metal condom, to prevent the gooey substance from seeping into the vulnerable, live-giving ocean. Unfortunately, they were so drunk they couldn’t get the condom properly secured. Undeterred, they moved on to a second plan called “Top Kill,” where they rounded up mud from the ocean floor to try to plug the pipe. This a strategy only a horny, drunk guy could appreciate. “If I can’t wrap it up with something to that will catch the liquid, what if I blocked it from ever coming out in the first place? DUDE,” they thought, moments before attempting to jam their their d-ckhole full of tissues. Needless to say, this was a horrible idea that failed miserably.
Finally, over the weekend BP was able to successfully attach a second containment device. Even though it’s been spun as a great success, it’s only holding back less than a third of the leaking oil from entering the ocean. In my analogy, this would be like the drunk guy taking off one of his socks, putting it over his d-ck, and saying, “Just trust me, babe. This’ll totally work.”
This is the problem with these types of liberal, comprehensive methods of preventing oil leaks. By giving them tools to fix the problem, they just encourage the reckless, immoral behavior that led to it. What we need to do is send our most prominent national faith leaders down to the site of the leak and explain that this is shameful and Godless activity. The pipeline needs to wait to shoot its oil until it’s at the surface. To allow otherwise is against God’s will. Ideally, the oil will learn to feel shame about wanting to leak into the ocean, and this shame will lead to the desired outcome.
Hey, this plan is at least as rational as trying to teach horny teens not to screw until marriage, right?
The Bruce Willis Option, aka The Reverse Armageddon
This option is almost too obvious. In Armageddon, the world is also facing a tragedy – an asteroid screaming towards Earth and threatening to wipe out life on the planet. To combat the problem, a problem in space, NASA recruits a team of offshore oil veterans to drill into the core of the asteroid and deposit a nuclear device that will blow it into harmless little pieces. Despite a few heartbreaking turns, i.e. Ben Affleck’s character surviving, the disaster is averted through their heroic actions.
The parallels to the present situation are clear. To fix this problem, one involving offshore oil drilling, we just need to send hardened oil workers to NASA headquarters and have them recruit top-level scientists to go fix the problem on the ocean floor. Bingbangboom, problem solved.
Now of course, like Armageddon, one scientist will end up having to give his life in the process. We just need to be sure one of the NASA nerds they recruit is a hardy, brave, leader of men. One who won’t bat an eyelash when he realizes he has to make the ultimate sacrifice for the good of mankind. I’ve created this composite of what that scientist will probably look like:
The Roy Halladay Option
Roy Halladay is a bad, intimidating man. When he’s on his game, opposing batters look defeated even as they are approaching the plate. Then, like a fat kid who crafts his mashed potatoes into boobs before devouring them, Roy toys with the batters over a few pitches before putting them out of their misery. We can use this to our advantage. We send Roy down to the site, and set up a mound sixty feet six inches from the leak. After he loosens up, Roy will stare down the oil and throw a fastball over the outside corner for a called strike one.
The oil will probably step out of the box and give the ump a quick look, because it’s a whiny, pussy prima donna like Hanley Ramirez. Roy’s second pitch will be another outside fastball, this time a few inches off the plate. The oil will have the first called strike in its head and feel compelled to offer at the pitch, but will only make glancing contact – sending the ball harmlessly into the stands behind the first base dugout. With the count 0-2, Roy can just start to set the oil up. A curve in the dirt low and away. A fastball up the ladder to change the oil’s eye level, maybe induce a bad swing.
Then, with the 2-2 pitch, he’ll throw a 95 mph fastball that grazes the black on the inside corner. The oil will jump back, acting like the pitch was in danger of hitting him, before turning to see the umpire enthusiastically punch him out. It will get up in the umpire’s face and piss and moan like a five-year old (or Hanley Ramirez), but then it will turn, hang it’s head, and head back into the Earth from whence it came.
Between those three plans, I think we can all agree that the leak itself should be solved within the week (provided they align it will one of Roy’s off days). But there’s still one huge problem – all the oil already in the ocean, killing wildlife and ruining expensive Gulf Coast property. There are millions of gallons floating around out there that need to be taken care of. Well, don’t you worry. I’ve got ideas for that, too.
The Ke$ha/Dunham Vacuum Plan
At present, over 22 million gallons of oil have leaked into the ocean (click here for an updated total). To successfully clean up this staggering amount, we need the most high-powered vacuum mankind has ever seen. One that harnesses the greatest sources of suction power available on the planet. Where will we find something with the ability to suck that much? Simple – we send in Jeff Dunham and Ke$ha. NO ONE sucks harder than those two.
Now you’re probably saying something like, “Ok, that’s a nice little play on words, but it’s clearly not the right kind of ‘suck.’ Tell me again how this plan is supposed to help? For Chrissake, Ke$ha’s disgusting, unwashed hair will just make the situation worse!” You obviously didn’t read this plan very closely. Ke$ha and Jeff Dunham are on the bottom of the ocean. Do you understand? In the middle of an oil spill. You’ve seen what that does to wildlife, right? Just imagining Dunham’s idiotic, racist puppets covered in oil and floating face down in the Gulf is giving me a semi. Look, the ocean and Gulf Coast are already screwed. At the very least, this plan will drastically improve the quality of life for the rest of us on the mainland.
The Michael Bay “BoomBoom” Option
Much was made of the news last week that James Cameron was going to be consulted on ways to combat the spill. Despite the fact that this “consult Hollywood directors to combat a national tragedy” plan of action was used to awesome comedic effect on “South Park,” it actually makes a little sense. Why not let someone who exercises that creative, science fiction muscle on a regular basis come up with something outside the box? But here’s where they went awry. Forget James Cameron. This is a job tailor-effing-made for Michael Bay.
Since I’ve already fixed the leak (see above), all we have to do is get rid of the excess oil. Follow my logic here. Oil is flammable. Flammable things explode. Michael Bay flipping LOVES explosions. Exhibit A:
Here’s the important part about that picture: that explosion wasn’t for one of Bay’s multimillion dollar action movie extravaganzas. It makes sense to have big explosions in these types of studio, tent pole movies (and Michael is glad to oblige). No, this explosion was rigged for his gig directing a recent Victoria’s Secret commercial. Think about that. Michael Bay set off an explosion, one that would make hardened veterans wet themselves, in a commercial for underpants. Not just any underpants either – Victoria’s Secret underpants.
You don’t need to blow up a few hundred gallons of gasoline to move that product. In fact this whole commercial seems counterproductive. Shouldn’t the commercial be targeted to women? You know, the people buying the product? Between the explosions, barely clothed supermodels, and helicopters, it seems like its target demo is horny 14-year old boys. Last time I checked, 9th graders don’t buy naughty unmentionables for their girlfriends. On the other hand, U.S.A, U.S.A, U.S.A.!
So, despite there being no logical reason for any explosions, let alone one of that magnitude, Michael Bay felt compelled to include it in the commercial. He just loves to blow stuff up. He would gladly do the same with the oil in the Gulf. We wouldn’t even have to pay him. I’m sure he would do it for free, provided there’s a clause in the deal that he’s allowed to watch from a helicopter and masturbate.
So there you go. The oil leak is fixed, the existing oil in the Gulf has been disposed of, and the world is rid of Jeff Dunham and Ke$ha. I guess at this point, there’s only one thing left to do …
*points outstretched hand in the general direction of Sweden, awaits Nobel prize(s)*