Nine times out of ten when a person is offended by something, it’s because he or she is an idiot. Moral outrage = not enough oxygen in the womb. Sorry, folks, it’s just science. But then this poster for Rob Marshall’s Nine came out, and I thought hey, why should stupid people have all the fun? I want to be the aggrieved party for once. So, as an Italian-American, I’d like to formally express my moral outrage at having Nine use the tagline “Be Italian.” What is that supposed to mean? Is this how you see us? What an unfair stereotype. You think we all just run around singing cheesy-ass songs and shooting movies that make perfume ads look subtle by comparison? Screw you, buddy, you can’t just go around making sweeping generalizations like that, this isn’t Mexico.
I went ahead and made a poster that better reflects the diverse nature of real Italians. I used an ancient symbol of national pride, Italian Anteater.