Senior Editor
09.15.09 38 Comments

Two obit posts in a row??!?  Welcome to 2009, the year Death acted like a total butthole.  Anyway, it appears earlier reports that Patrick Swayze might be recovering thanks to an experimental procedure (after being diagnosed with stage IV pancreatic cancer in January ’08) were just false hope.  Swayze died yesterday in LA at the age of 57, which is pretty much the lamest thing ever.  Gawdammit, the only time you’re allowed to declare Patrick Swayze a dead man is after he tells you there’s always barber college.

He was Dalton, he was Bodhi, he saved Baby from the corner, where she surely would’ve been aborted by parents who didn’t understand the dance.  Has anyone else ever been in so many bad movies that everyone loves?  Not to mention, he was the best part of Donnie Darko and co-starred in arguably the most memorable SNL sketch of the 90s.  I don’t normally like to gush about dead people, because when an a-hole dies he doesn’t magically become not an a-hole, no matter what anyone says about him.  You have to honor an a-hole’s memory by remembering him for the a-hole that he was (see: Hunter S. Thompson on the passing of Richard Nixon).  But in all honesty, anyone who doesn’t have at least two or three glowy, pop-culture nostalgia memories involving Patrick Swayze is a two-bit liar and a charlatan, and I wouldn’t sit next to him if it was the last seat on an escape pod.  Maybe if you doctors spent half the time you spend giving people who shouldn’t be boning anyway boners you’d have this cancer crap licked by now.  So stop playing grabass back there in the lab and get going on some serious research, the kind that involves stethoscopes and bunsen burners and all that sh’t.  You already lost us Dalton, but I’ve got some important contributions to humanity that I’m maybe probably going to start working on tomorrow after I cook some food and put on my pants and maybe watch a little TV. And you wouldn’t want to miss out on it over a retarded thing like cancer.

“There’s always Barber College.”

“Pain don’t hurt.”

“Yer too stupid to have a good time!”

Point Break Skydive

Don’ nobody poot bay bee een da foqueen corner, ése.

The Chippendales Sketch

Jim Cunningham comes to Darko high school, gives speech. No one doubts his commitment to Sparkle Motion.

Donnie Darko – Exposes Jim Cunningham

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