Spider-Man Caught Molesting a Dolphin

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11.08.10 32 Comments

Spider-man-fingerbangs-a-dolphin

In what might be the most hard-hitting piece of journalistic analysis I report this week, Spider-Man has been caught finger blasting a dolphin. (Side note: do you guys say “finger blasting” or “finger banging?”  I prefer the latter, but lately I’ve been hearing people use the former, which always seemed a bit bellicose, in my opinion).  Maybe it’s just me, but every time I look at this, I hear the Who intro from CSI Miami.

This would make the perfect Christmas present, especially if your draw in your office’s secret Santa exchange is Malcolm Brenner, Florida’s own world famous dolphin f**ker.  Hey, man, let he who’s never thought about shooting off a little webbing in a dolphin’s blowhole cast the first stone.  (That don’t make me gay, does it?)

Oh right, and also, Martin Sheen and Sally Field are set to play Scarfield‘s aunt and uncle in the upcoming Spider-Man reboot.  Sadly, that story didn’t lend itself as easily to dolphin sex jokes, so I avoided it.  YEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHhhhhhh……

[Superpunch via GreatWhiteSnark]

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Vince Mancini is a writer, comedian, and podcaster. A graduate of Columbia’s non-fiction MFA program, his work has appeared on FilmDrunk, the UPROXX network, the Portland Mercury, the East Bay Express, and all over his mom’s refrigerator.

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